scrubjayspeaks (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
scrubjayspeaks) wrote2021-01-16 05:13 pm
scrubjayspeaks) wrote2021-01-16 05:13 pm
Entry tags:
Today's Keyboard Smash
Hahaaaaa...oh. Wut. Why. I got jury duty. For the Monday after my birthday. Which, hey, maybe I'll get called up that first day and be finished and I won't even have to miss work. Because oh, right, that day was part of the "vacation" I'm meant to be taking. But now I have to go let my supervisor know and find out what the hell the procedure is and cross my fingers I don't get put on the one-hour standby where I have to haul ass down to the courthouse at a moment's notice. Because yeah, I'm so good at coping with sudden changes to my plans.
I just...want to sit and cry for a while. It's not that I'm tired, insofar as I'm not getting any less sleep than I normally do. That much, at least, I manage to maintain despite the overtime at work. But everything is So Much all the time. My nerves feel sandpapered down to bloody stumps. Things are confusing and full of pressure and off from my normal routine, and that's before you factor in any of the added pandemic concerns. (Which, WOW, the prospect of jury duty during this time is skin-crawlingly revolting, thanks very much.)
I can't even properly identify what it is about everything right now that is taking it out of me. One extra day of work doesn't seem like that much? And it's not like I'm falling behind on any of my usual things. I get all my chores done, as it were. I mean, I haven't gotten to do any of my cleaning project in a couple weeks, but that's not...critical. I've even been playing video games. It can't be that bad, can it?
So why does it feel like I haven't had any room to breathe in weeks? Hypervigilance triggered at all times. Anxiety dreams. An intense sense that I am a very small creature and something large is going to eat me soon.
Also, the people immediately around me have all the emotional availability of granite boulders. That's unfair, actually, because I find boulders of almost any composition to be inherently comforting. And I could really use some comforting. Some reassurance that 50+ hour work weeks are, you know, a burden to bear. That jury duty during a pandemic and your vacation after a month of said 50+ hour weeks is perhaps a bridge too far for any one human to put up with. Rather than being looked at like I'm weird or willfully unpleasant for being wound just a little tight.
I ordered the wildflower seeds today. Three types, all native or naturalized plants, basically intended for rewilding an area. One pound each, which I cannot even visualize. I'll probably pick up a few other normal size packets of wildflowers to chuck in there as well for variety. It's gonna be a field of flowers big enough to run across (don't run across my flowers, though!), full of bugs and birds and mice. And some trees-in-progress, because I'm going to put some of the potted ones into the ground at last. And maybe a small-ish boulder, because I'm working enough overtime that I can probably afford to source one of those landscaping boulders I've wanted since we moved here.
It's gonna be so good. I need it to be good.
I just...want to sit and cry for a while. It's not that I'm tired, insofar as I'm not getting any less sleep than I normally do. That much, at least, I manage to maintain despite the overtime at work. But everything is So Much all the time. My nerves feel sandpapered down to bloody stumps. Things are confusing and full of pressure and off from my normal routine, and that's before you factor in any of the added pandemic concerns. (Which, WOW, the prospect of jury duty during this time is skin-crawlingly revolting, thanks very much.)
I can't even properly identify what it is about everything right now that is taking it out of me. One extra day of work doesn't seem like that much? And it's not like I'm falling behind on any of my usual things. I get all my chores done, as it were. I mean, I haven't gotten to do any of my cleaning project in a couple weeks, but that's not...critical. I've even been playing video games. It can't be that bad, can it?
So why does it feel like I haven't had any room to breathe in weeks? Hypervigilance triggered at all times. Anxiety dreams. An intense sense that I am a very small creature and something large is going to eat me soon.
Also, the people immediately around me have all the emotional availability of granite boulders. That's unfair, actually, because I find boulders of almost any composition to be inherently comforting. And I could really use some comforting. Some reassurance that 50+ hour work weeks are, you know, a burden to bear. That jury duty during a pandemic and your vacation after a month of said 50+ hour weeks is perhaps a bridge too far for any one human to put up with. Rather than being looked at like I'm weird or willfully unpleasant for being wound just a little tight.
I ordered the wildflower seeds today. Three types, all native or naturalized plants, basically intended for rewilding an area. One pound each, which I cannot even visualize. I'll probably pick up a few other normal size packets of wildflowers to chuck in there as well for variety. It's gonna be a field of flowers big enough to run across (don't run across my flowers, though!), full of bugs and birds and mice. And some trees-in-progress, because I'm going to put some of the potted ones into the ground at last. And maybe a small-ish boulder, because I'm working enough overtime that I can probably afford to source one of those landscaping boulders I've wanted since we moved here.
It's gonna be so good. I need it to be good.