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Done This Week
Mar. 17th, 2024 10:41 amMy brain continues to be a bad neighborhood to live. At this point, the only thing I can attribute it to is my upcoming consultation for top surgery. I guess I just don’t understand what to expect--are they deciding if I get to have it or just talking details of what I want done or something else? If I knew what to expect, I might feel a little better. Instead, I’m just slowly winding tighter and tighter in preparation of a fight that might not actually be coming.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have enough money saved up, I can pay out of pocket even if the insurance won’t cover it. But then I spiral, thinking of reasons why the surgeon might refuse to work with me, which is something I can’t overcome by throwing money at the problem. (Which, rationally, is a big ?????? moment. Like...that’s...really not how this is probably going to work, but…)
The anxiety about it makes my dysphoria MASSIVELY worse, because oh god, what if I can’t get anyone to fix this for me? What if I’m stuck like this forever?
Sometimes, I think that allowing myself to want things is a mistake. I mean, believing that nothing will ever improve has nearly killed me a couple times over. But the alternative--seeing an escape hatch just out of reach--might kill me too. Now that I’ve cracked open the door and looked out into the promise of a world where my body fits my sense of self, the prospect of not getting to that point is brutal.
Turns out, it’s really hard to concentrate on anything through the fog of existential dread!
Lewisia: 3 new pieces written
Day job: 43.25 hours, and my department is so slow, people are being allowed to leave early if they want, unless you’re me, in which case the development department that co-owns my ass keeps creating more work for me
Cooking: eclairs filled with orange pastry cream (used Trader Joe’s blood orange rooibos tea bags to infuse the milk for the pastry cream, along with zest and orange extract, so it actually tastes of orange properly, stunningly delicious)
Crafting: making slow progress on a dragon’s egg dice bag for myself
Gardening: succulent club meeting
Reading: audiobook of This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone(in preparation for the Writing Excuses podcast close reading of it, marvelous and particularly fun to listen to while driving for some reason)
Listening: Everything Feels Ridiculous by Lauren O’Connell (more queer/trans artists, very enjoyable, feels very early aughts in its indie style)
I have to keep reminding myself that I have enough money saved up, I can pay out of pocket even if the insurance won’t cover it. But then I spiral, thinking of reasons why the surgeon might refuse to work with me, which is something I can’t overcome by throwing money at the problem. (Which, rationally, is a big ?????? moment. Like...that’s...really not how this is probably going to work, but…)
The anxiety about it makes my dysphoria MASSIVELY worse, because oh god, what if I can’t get anyone to fix this for me? What if I’m stuck like this forever?
Sometimes, I think that allowing myself to want things is a mistake. I mean, believing that nothing will ever improve has nearly killed me a couple times over. But the alternative--seeing an escape hatch just out of reach--might kill me too. Now that I’ve cracked open the door and looked out into the promise of a world where my body fits my sense of self, the prospect of not getting to that point is brutal.
Turns out, it’s really hard to concentrate on anything through the fog of existential dread!
Lewisia: 3 new pieces written
Day job: 43.25 hours, and my department is so slow, people are being allowed to leave early if they want, unless you’re me, in which case the development department that co-owns my ass keeps creating more work for me
Cooking: eclairs filled with orange pastry cream (used Trader Joe’s blood orange rooibos tea bags to infuse the milk for the pastry cream, along with zest and orange extract, so it actually tastes of orange properly, stunningly delicious)
Crafting: making slow progress on a dragon’s egg dice bag for myself
Gardening: succulent club meeting
Reading: audiobook of This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone(in preparation for the Writing Excuses podcast close reading of it, marvelous and particularly fun to listen to while driving for some reason)
Listening: Everything Feels Ridiculous by Lauren O’Connell (more queer/trans artists, very enjoyable, feels very early aughts in its indie style)
