scrubjayspeaks

This time of year, when the weather warms and the forest begins to fill with forageable foods, many decide that fleeing into the woods to live as a mysterious loner or self-made cryptid sounds like an excellent five-year plan. Though it may run antithetical to the spirit of running off into the woods, the library does offer educational classes on survival considerations and skills. If you find yourself wanting to leave the trappings of your current life but less enthusiastic about dying of exposure, consider postponing your escape long enough to attend a few of our free and low cost offerings and improve your chances.

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LL#1241

After initially accidental formation, sentient laundry piles have become a popular hobby pet, and breeding and showing clubs have formed. The Laundry Pile Fanciers club has recently begun a program to rehome shedlings, the offsets produced when laundry piles mingle, which can make wonderful dual-purpose companions/clothing. These articles often have fashion-forward design and pattern mutations, along with variable levels of sentience, so consider adopting a young laundry beast of your own.

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LL#1235

As a reminder, Spring is here, however tentatively, and apparently iced-over ponds, rivers, and lesser lakes should not be trusted for ice skating or other recreational purposes. Thinning ice can give way at any time, and it tends to obey the laws of irony by waiting until you are well away from the shore to do so. Note that this advisory holds true even, and perhaps especially, if you see other figures blithely skating along, who may be incorporeal, irrational, or illusory, and should not, in any case, be considered role models.

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LL#1229

An unknown prankster has been bulb bombing local yards, gardens, and green spaces with Grenade onions, a particularly odoriferous variety developed during the Rose and Deer Wars of the Sixties. Though technically edible, these are intended for combat purposes as a defensive ornamental, and have been driving residents and nearby businesses out of the affected areas. Fortunately, local restaurants have been collecting and cooking the onions before they can take root, creating such culinary adventures as Flash Onion Soup, deep-fried Booming Onions, and something billed as Allium Supreme which no one on the review circuit has yet dared to sample.

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LL#1223

As the greater Lake Lewisia region does not have its own hospital (occult body modifiers notwithstanding), residents in need of surgery can face the distressing prospect of relying upon outside services. We have newly partnered with a subspecies of under-the-bed monsters whose native habitat is under hospital beds, gurneys, and surgical tables. Well-versed in the twilight realms of anesthesia and intensive care wards, these monsters will watch over you and guard you against danger, in exchange for those little juice cartons and any pudding cups.

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LL#1217

Slips, trips, and falls become more common in the winter months both indoors and out, as we deal with icy conditions, downed tree limbs, and increased cords and clutter from decorations and guests. We recommend using alternative methods of locomotion to avoid such ground-based hazards for the season. Consider levitation, seasonal wing growth, or riding on clouds, carpets, assorted beast mounts, or ambulatory furniture to get around in style and safety.

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LL#1211

For those wishing to give this year the metaphorical boot, may we suggest contributing to our winter footwear drive, which is still looking for donations of new shoes and boots suitable for the wet and cold months ahead. Fairy cobblers will be donating their time and skill to enhance the waterproofing, anti-slip tread, and warmth of the shoes, and a few lucky people may get rarer enchantments like water-walking or prince-attracting. We can’t promise that participating will kick out the current year any more forcefully, but it will help members of our community start the new year on the right foot, which is sometimes the best we can hope for.

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LL#1205

As midwinter approaches, we have received increasingly frequent reports of floating candles in the night sky throughout the Lewisia area. While floating lights are, of course, a common occurrence year-round, it is rare for them to be attached to actual candles, lanterns, or other conventional sources of light, let alone what appear to be hand-rolled beeswax candles. These may be invitations to someone’s solstice festivities, the festivity itself, or just a case of unusually late candle migration to the southern wintering bogs.

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LL#1199

For those who use wood for heating their homes or cooking this winter, we remind you to obtain firewood locally and avoid transporting wood across regions. Invasive insects, parasites, and evil spirits can hitch rides in firewood, allowing them to spread to previously healthy and unhaunted woodlands. And in the event that you mistakenly obtained wood from sentient trees and are about to be subject to their wrath, it is actually easier to cope with attack by a walking tree spirit in the open woods than it is in your living room.

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LL#1193

For those who will be traveling over the holidays or any other time of year, we encourage you to seek out a housesitter to look after your domicile in your absence. Housesitters provide peace of mind for you and valuable enrichment for your home by maintaining its normal routines of opening doors, creaking floorboards, endlessly adjusting the thermostat, and making little comments to the furniture when you bump into it. This is particularly important for older houses or those with structural issues, as these can be more vulnerable to hauntings and possessions if left unoccupied, leading to unpleasant surprises at the end of your travels.

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LL#1187