scrubjayspeaks

[CW for frank discussions of body changes and sex. Discussions of surgical recovery. Discussions of sexism. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]

Holy shit, how has it already been two years? I didn’t get to celebrate at all, but happy boy day to me.

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Another absolutely brutal heat wave. The air quality has been terrible as well, such that I’ve been having asthma-like symptoms off and on all week. It’s supposed to cool off sharply this week, so I’m holding out hope that things will be a bit less taxing.

I got bloodwork done for my upcoming rheumatologist appointment (which has already been rescheduled by them once, because they’re always like this). Thus begins what will be a full month of endless doctor appointments, which I am broadly dreading.

I saw a flock of rental goats out cleaning a hillside on my way into town. While I don’t particularly want to have more animals to look after, the prospect of a few goats does sound fun. Maybe someday.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, June posts queued up

Day job: 33.25 hours with the short holiday week and coming in late one day

Gardening: against my will but at mum’s request, I mowed in the wildflower field, pruned the big operculicarya into a more respectable shape and moved it to a spot outside of the cold frame

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #8, 9, & 10 (oh, I love my little soap opera, I’ve hit the section where it is overtly playing with the idea of alternate timelines)

Watching: more Murderbot TV :3, finally watched Jurassic World 3 (hm, it’s not good, even if it’s nice seeing the old team back together)

Listening: Imaginal Disk by Magdalena Bay (saw the video below of them performing Bowie’s “Ashes to Ashes” and liked their sound enough to pick up an album)



Clock Mouse: 1630 words, a third named character, and picking up some kind of momentum

Hi, hello, yes, I am absolutely done with travel for at least five years. I just spent the week in a hotel in order to attend a robotics training seminar for work. The training was super interesting, and I fully intend to carve out time for me to do interesting thing with the robots at work now.

However! I am reminded again that I hate traveling, I hate staying in hotels with no ability to cook my own food, and I hate being away from home for more than an afternoon. Constantly having to eat restaurant food does hideous things to my body. Even if taking it back to my room at least avoids the anxiety of eating alone in a room full of strangers, that means all my food becomes a lukewarm mediocrity. The pillows are weird! The soft water lacks the proper mineral content to give me the showering-with-sandpaper experience I am accustomed to! None of my animals are with me, and I can’t do anything if something goes wrong with my mother!

*roaring and gnashing of teeth* *old man yells at cloud*

I’m such a homebody, it’s a wonder I haven’t put taproots down from my ass by now.

Also, the power once again went out, this time probably due to the wind downing something. Even though the last time was caused by human error, so this hardly constitutes a pattern, it’s hard not to think this bodes ill for what the summer heat waves will bring.

There was a sporting field of some sort visible from my hotel window, in which there were a dozen Canada geese hanging out. I got to hear them, and a single duck overhead, honking a few times on the way to my car.

Lewisia: no new pieces written, time to play catch-up

Day job: I don’t know how to calculate this (＠_＠;) nine-hour lecture sessions + two days of six-hour drives + being semi on-call the rest of the time since these were work days and not PTO = ???

Cleaning: replaced one of the wiring disconnects to install a new battery for the electric fence

Gardening: succulent club meeting, garden club post, phone consultation with another club member to coordinate our tech upgrades, moved a big planter into place to receive incoming sunchokes

Reading: System Collapse by Martha Wells (my entertainment for the long drive, finally caught up on Murderbot audiobooks, still need to read the little side stories)

Watching: MURDERBOT~~~! I am so goddamn excited to have this as a show as well.

Listening: Even In Arcadia by Sleep Token (wasn’t aware of this band until Anthony Vincent/Ten Second Songs did a cover of Bastille’s “Pompeii” in the style of Sleep Token and found myself smitten, it reminds me of early Dir En Grey with the mix of pop/rock and metal elements), This Wasn’t Meant For You Anyway by Lola Young (one of those rare times when I listened to the radio, heard something new I liked, and managed to track it down afterward, “Messy” roped me in and the rest of the album is pleasingly in that spirit)

Clock Mouse: 1167 words, and the protagonist has officially acquired a name 🎉

You’re getting The Ballad of the Earbuds this week. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So I have this issue. At work for the last five years, I have been listening to music and audiobooks by way of a little Walkman mp3 player. I love this thing; it does exactly what it is supposed to. And since I didn’t used to carry my phone with me, because the production floor has terrible reception and searching for signal nuked my battery, it was the only way to have entertainment.

The problem is that it can only be used with wired earbuds, ie with a jack. It couldn’t be paused except by taking the thing out of my pocket, which isn’t allowed on the floor. So I needed to know I was going to be left alone if I wanted to listen to something narrative, rather than music.

Also, I work an extremely active job, so having a long headphone cord trailing down my torso has proven to be an issue. I regularly get it snagged on my cargo pant flaps when stooping down to pick up some piece of equipment, thereby wrenching it out of my ear and sending it clattering to the floor. This is annoying and, arguably, a little dangerous. You don’t want to be reacting in surprise and discomfort while suddenly holding eighty pounds of steel, for example.

Now that I’m working primarily off the production floor, and now that I carry two phones at all times anyway (for my sins), it seemed worthwhile to at least try using my phone as an entertainment venue. I’m still just loading files onto it--I don’t do streaming for much of anything unless it’s unavoidable. But the important thing is that I can use my old, half-dead bluetooth earbuds with it.

Now this has solved my issue of clotheslining myself regularly. But it also introduces earbud-located controls. I can pause. Which means I can at least attempt to listen to audiobooks again. I spent many happy hours this week, wiring plugs into place whilst listening to stories. This is all I really want in my professional life. I probably won’t ever get back to the rate of a novel a day I sometimes hit while working as an operator--I have to talk to people way more these days. It’s nice, though, to feel like I can carve a little more mental space for myself out of the day.

The weather has been swinging wildly between hot and foggy, with occasional burst of rain and thunder. We had a vehicle-induced power outage (jackass hit a pole). And the corn, pumpkins, and sunflowers have all sprouted. So it feels like summer, for good or ill.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 42.75 hours

Cleaning: had the septic tank cleaned out, scheduled necessary repairs

Reading: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Primary Phase (this is the BBC radio production, Libro.fm had the first part on sale, the differences between this and the published stories falls somewhere between refreshing and disorienting)

Listening: the third Dan Avidan & Super Guitar Bros album (my bonus album for the week, it just released and I needed a pick-me-up on Monday, lovely and exactly what I needed), cry about it by houseguest (more Bluesky recs, I don’t have the technical knowledge to properly describe what I hear, but there’s a watery effect on the vocals, combined with very bright, forward percussion and a specific bass[?] sound that is precisely the punk/alt sound of a mix CD given to me by a classmate in 2000 of bands I still don’t know the names of, which is a very specific nostalgia token, “somnambulist” is just fantastic)

Playing: Spirit Swap on Steam, a match-3 game with queer/trans characters and lo-fi background music, really chill and lovely with beautiful art, and it’s still on sale this weekend if that sounds like your jam too

Clock Mouse: 1126 words, a much slower week because I didn’t actually want to write anything :/

Other: donated blood 🧛‍♂️

A short week at work, which always just means the same amount of work packed into less time. Oh well.

My back has slowly improved, very much in spite of life, the universe, and everything. So obviously, I went out and did an even longer session of weed whacking in even heavier growth out in the orchard. Interestingly, now it’s my arms and chest that are sore (though only in an intense workout way, not an “I have damaged myself” way like my back). It was out of control, and mum was having a hard time walking out there.

Unrelated, but Mum had a fall at the start of the week and seems to have pulled a muscle. She’s sort of taking it easy to let it heal? Sort of? *sigh*

It cooled off a little, occasionally, but I can feel May breathing down my neck. Saw a turkey vulture tidying up a corpse in the road, who was entirely unimpressed by my car and refused to do more than placidly waddle off to the side to make way for me. It was quite cute. Sorry to interrupt your lunch, bud!

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 25.5 hours, between a holiday and a day off for mum’s birthday

Cleaning: fixed the pull cord on the lawn mower

Gardening: garden club post, succulent club meeting, weedwhacked almost the whole orchard

Reading: audiobook of Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas (aaaay, magical tboy romance! super cute and a fun bit of world building)

Listening: The Collector by Witch Bolt (YouTube really wanted me to listen to this, decent dungeon synth if a bit bland next to the more elaborate ambient work done by, say, Tales Under The Oak), The Devil’s Bris (2020 remaster) by Aurelio Voltaire (this is a pure nostalgia purchase, as Voltaire and this particular album were a huge part of the soundtrack of my high school years, though the remix does have some nice audio detail that was missing from my definitely not pirated old copy)

Clock Mouse: 1407 words

Other: celebrated mum’s birthday mostly with repairing stuff at home XD

Went to lunch with A, which involved hearing the whole sordid story of her husband’s illness and death. We’re doing that thing where friends in tough times just trade back and forth the same twenty bucks and the same small acts of kindness.

Between the weed whacking last weekend and a particularly demanding day at work, I have absolutely infuriated this one spot in my back. So even though the weather is good at the moment, I can’t do much of anything outside. I just really need to get this under control and not let it spiral. So it’s all rotations of ice packs and heating pads for me. Look at me being smart and kind to myself. I hate it!

Mum and I went to the farmer’s market again, and I got the first decent strawberries of the year, as well as the only decent bagels I’ve ever gotten in this area. We also went to the tea shop, and I got a black tea and an herbal, both fruity types. Now if I could just get some really nice cheeses somewhere, I would have all I can ask for.

I have discovered earthworms in the larger jar terrarium. Wriggling about! I am immediately filled with anxiety over the responsibility to keep them healthy and happy. I added a bit of fresh and old leaves in the top if they want them. Help, everything is a pet!

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 42.5 hours, and one bonus shower no one wanted

Crafting: darned some socks again

Reading: My Man Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse (while I have accepted, via cultural osmosis, that Wodehouse is grand, I’ve never actually read any before--can confirm, is quite grand!)

Listening: The Past is Still Alive by Hurray For The Riff Raff (another fine example of indie country)

Clock Mouse: 1692 words--lots of words this week! Still haven’t named a single character! What am I doing with my life!

Other: unloaded hay

We received a string of good news this week. The fight mum has been having with the bank holding dad’s much-delayed disability payments (yes, the ones from when he was alive back in summer of last year), which escalated to filing a complaint with the BBB, has allegedly been resolved. I’ll believe it when she gets the check and cashes it, but for now, tentative joy. Also, after initial concerns and a false positive, mum was cleared on some medical test results. And her federal tax refund was recalculated in her favor by a fairly substantial amount.

Given how absolutely shit things have been for the past month (or year, depending on how far back you want to calculate), this was a welcome cluster of goodness and relief.

I taught myself to solder this week. I say it that way because I watched my trainer do it once months ago, but he effectively refused to teach me because he’s not good at it (his description). Which is fine, I guess, though I find it a bit frustrating to be told, well, you just have to try it yourself, when it’s about a 600-degree tool and liquefied metal. But fine. I watched a couple of YouTube videos and then tried. Turns out, I’m quite good at it. It’s not nearly as challenging as using the plasma cutter was. So now I’ll get to build some adapter pigtails from scratch, and I get to do it the tidy, pretty way, all by myself.

The weather has been mostly clear and warm during the day, though the nights are still pretty cold and foggy. It’s the very best of spring, as far as I’m concerned. While in a nearby town, I spotted a woodpecker (not super sure what kind) and a patch of Naples garlic growing by a stream.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43 hours

Gardening: installed a bug-exclusion screen on mum’s seedling starting cold frame

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #5 (a soap opera like this continues to be exactly what I need), Where the Drowned Girls Go by Seanan McGuire (oh, that did not go where I was expecting, that was delicious)

Listening: Moominvalley (2019) OST (no, I haven’t seen more than clips of the show and am unlikely to, since I can’t source it anywhere, but damn, it’s a really enjoyable set of songs), also been listening to the soundtracks from Katamari Damacy and We <3 Katamari after listening to a podcast episode about it (Watch Out for Fireballs!) and being hit by nostalgia

Aftermarket Parts: no more weight lifting restrictions whoo!

Clock Mouse: 1199 words

Well, worked two days this week. (I forgot how much I fundamentally hate having to leave home to go to work.) Day one was fine, mostly catching up on an obscene number of emails. Day two involved my first confrontation about where my tits went.

Neat. 눈_눈

Without getting into the details too much, because I might throw up, this person clocked it as a trans thing. No hostility, maybe a little concern troll-y. Insisted it’s nobody else’s business, which would have been more convincing and more reassuring if this hadn’t been in the midst of a “making this my business” conversation. It was, at least, one of about two people at work who I could be semi-confident would not try to hurt me (directly or indirectly) over this.

I’m resentful of this person for putting me in this position, and I feel ashamed that I didn’t push back harder. I was tired and stressed and caught completely off-guard at the time.

More than anything, I just don’t understand why people can’t leave me (and all the rest of us) in peace. What does it matter, what other people are getting up to? Why do you think it’s your god-given right to know literally anything about me?

Obviously, my brain will not stop ruminating on this situation and what else might develop going forward. Every time in life I think, okay, things are basically under control, I’ll be able to catch my breath for a bit, something happens that throws me right back into the shit.

Anyway! Fuck!

So many things are blooming in the garden. The freak hail storm wasn’t, perhaps, the best for them, though. It’s cold but sunny now, so the birds are all out, singing and hunting for things to eat. I do so love this time of year.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, all March posts queued up

Day job: 17 hours and an incalculable amount of stress

Cooking: cheat lemon pie from B. Dylan Hollis (tasty, doesn’t freeze up as firm as I would have liked, but that certainly didn’t stop me from devouring it)

Crafting: made two little jar terrariums out of moss and sticks

Gardening: weeding, set up the mushroom solar lights, garden club post

Reading: Finn Family Moomintroll by Tove Jansson (I find the writing style so funny, because it has a particular stiltedness I associate with vintage stuff, but it has a sense of humor that often reminds me of very modern online humor and shitposting)

Listening: MYTH: Side One by The Narcissist Cookbook (experimental stuff with spoken word and found audio type bits, mixed in with the sparse weird folk sound I love from this artist, promptly picked up Side Two and the appendix but manfully restrained myself from bingeing them immediately)

Aftermarket Parts: cleared for return to work, more SDI paperwork and got the second/last disability payment

Clock Mouse: 935 words

This week has been significantly less garbage. Yay? I have played an absurd amount of Stardew Valley, getting to enjoy some of the newer features for the first time. I’m off pain meds, except for the occasional Tylenol (which had been doing a number on my stomach when I was taking it on a schedule). I’m still very tired and somewhat uncomfortable, but I’m gradually figuring out what kinds of movements and positions my body will currently tolerate.

Happily, my updated driver’s license arrived, so I was able to get my application in for disability coverage. And the surgeon’s office continues to underpromise and over-deliver--they quote two to four weeks to complete their portion of it, and yet had it submitted to EDD in less than twenty-four hours.

I started cleaning corrals again in the evening. If I only pick up a small amount at a time, I’m technically under my weight restrictions. If I only go slowly, I’m technically not getting my heart rate up. Therefore, this is technically not exhausting, right?

Lewisia: five new pieces written, which covers the Monday posts for March, and I already had enough general posts saved up for the month, so I feel much better about life now

Cooking: these sourdough brownies (they genuinely do taste like they have cream cheese in them, very tasty), a very sad rendition of my usual Japanese fried chicken recipe, this Food Wishes recipe for harira soup (tasty and a nice change from the household’s usual flavor profiles)

Reading: Strangers in Paradise volume #4 by Terry Moore, relistening to Martha Wells’s Murderbot series #3 through #6 (which means I’m finally ready to listen to #7 for the first time wheeeee!)

Listening: Moomin Voices by Tove Jansson (so, whoops, I accidentally acquired the Finnish translation, not the Swedish version *facepalm*, but that just means I’ll listen to the Swedish one at some point in the future, I love the fusion of traditional folk and choir sounds with reversed segments and glitchy bits, wonderfully weird), "The Slur Song" by Bigfoot’s Biggest Fan (via this tumblr post, excuse me while I cackle endlessly, hilarious and rude and queer as fuck)

Aftermarket Parts: drains out, filing for temporary disability coverage

Clock Mouse: 1126 words

There’s some real cognitive dissonance in writing this up while simultaneously doomscrolling Bluesky for political updates and watching a Game Grumps compilation to keep my brain from evacuating from my skull.

At some point, I’m going to post more about the process of top surgery. But I think it’s going to have to wait until after it’s done. Because every time I think about the details, I have a panic attack. This is, in fact, the worst my anxiety has been since 2013, the Year That Nearly Killed Me.

Meanwhile, the screen on my iPad spontaneously shattered. It has been dropped in its lifetime, but it wasn’t recent. So I’m not sure why it chose Friday evening to spiderweb. It can’t be fixed, so I get to replace it. The local shop doesn’t have it in stock. Because of course. So unless they manage to receive it on Monday such that I can get it after work, I will be heading into my surgical travels with a broken, albeit currently functional, tablet.

Sure. Why not.

It is difficult to overstate the degree to which I feel both personally and collectively cursed.

One of the thrashers at work was perched on a light pole, which is not behavior I usually see from a mostly ground-dwelling bird, and was singing vigorously. For my birthday, mum made my favorite spiced pork roast, twice-baked potatoes, and a cake filled with raspberry whipped cream. ~🍰~

Lewisia: no new pieces written but the holiday message went up--break time!

Day job: 34.75 hours, with a day off for my birthday

Reading: Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher (oof, lovely and upsetting and I love the world building and I love the two leads), Strangers in Paradise volume #1 by Terry Moore (got a Terry Moore bundle from Humble Bundle and might actually finish reading a series I started in high school)

Aftermarket Parts: got all results for surgical clearance, did pre-arrival call with the hospital

Clock Mouse: 1229 words