scrubjayspeaks

Hell yeah, I hung up every picture I own! No stapling to the ceiling required, though there were a couple real questionable moments as I tried to figure out a good arrangement for the spaces available. I also napped quite elaborately. And threw axes, because that's a real service someone provides in a nearby town, and I am still a little bit of a weapons freak. Gods, that was fun.

I feel like I've been away from work for about three years. Returning tomorrow is going to be a real kick in the head. No regrets.

Lewisia: didn't write, but did some brainstorming and created a new document, which is honestly half the battle

Day job: NONE HOURS WITH LEFT BEEF! *cackles*

Cooking: continuing to tinker with the ranger cookie recipe, turned out wretched but edible

Cleaning: tidied up the piano top and did a little scrubbing in the bathroom

Gardening: pulled more weeds, spotted what I think is going to be a crocus

Listening: ooooooh, baby, I bought so much for Bandcamp Friday, started out with Ninja Sex Party's Under the Covers (a long-overdue purchase), also listening to Iron Maiden's eponymous album ("Running Free" and "Phantom of the Opera" make me want to gleefully choke someone out...I mean...dance...???)

Playing: my much-delayed copy of Ooblets finally arrived and I got to play all of about an hour of it, super cute and silly

Other: an hour of recreational axe throwing for my birthday with mum, which was way more fun than I had even believed it would be

The Bedroom Project: framed up the rest of the posters, hung everything in the bedroom and office, retouched the paint in the bedroom as needed, project complete

It's time to post the much-awaited (?) reveal of my finished room redesign! Ta-da! Two-tone green walls, custom-built shelving, and almost every inch of available wall space covered in art prints, and sculpture, and weapons. Below, a brief tour of some highlights and copious shout-outs:

( Read more... )

I made it to vacation! Nothing else matters, because I have a whole week of not working ahead of me. I'm going to hang up every goddamn picture I own, if I have to start stapling shit to the ceiling. Also, maybe write again. But mostly, decorate.

Lewisia: ...nothing. I'm feeling judged. I am the one judging me. Damn it.

Day job: 44 hours, in which I arrived early and/or stayed late every day but one, and my whole life was nothing but meetings and panic and more meetings

Gardening: pulled weeds in the castle garden, spotted my first daffodil bulb leaves coming up

Listening: ...I didn't buy any new music??? Quickly! To Bandcamp! Away!

Other: sat in on a different D&D session, just to observe, and had basically the most fun I've ever had in my life

The Bedroom Project: bought another round of frames and got a custom mat cut for one of my weird vintage anime posters, which should cover all my current art needs

A friend described me as still being raw right now, due to some crap that happened. And that feels about as accurate as a thing could be. Everything just feels dialed up to eleven. Even good things hurt like a new tooth growing in, and the bad things feel like being flayed and salted.

Which is an odd sensation to have alongside the realization that 2022 was actually...a pretty good year for me?

I rediscovered my ability to read for pleasure.
I wrote more than I have in years and with unexpected freedom and joy.
I settled into a role at work that has me indispensable but also actually respected.
I've got a couple of people I socialize with outside of work, who seek out my company for, as far as I can tell, no reason except that they want to be around me.
My finances are sufficiently comfortable that, while I can't afford all the major projects I would like to do on my property, I can indulge in a number of small pleasures without a second thought.

In some ways, I think I pushed through a lot of my own self-consciousness and self-flagellation. I came out the other side to a certain devil-may-care self-indulgence. I don't want to work at having fun. I don't want to turn everything into a chore or a side hustle, something fraught with a sense of obligation and questions of worthiness. I have a job that meets the requirements of my survival; I want everything else to be, as much as possible, the enjoyment of that life.

In some areas, though, I'm still struggling with what I can only call imposter syndrome. (Or, to be even more flippant, the spicy autisms.) My case of the gender weirds has been flaring up, for various reasons. It leaves me feeling particularly alien. Opens a floodgate to all my various feelings of not-enough, too-much, two-steps-to-the-left.

I saw a tumblr post (of a twitter thread, as these things go) about moving away from the concept of being our best self, and instead aiming to be our favorite self. I liked that. That feels like something I could manage. There's also one that says, "you were cooler when you were eight and didn't give a fuck." That feels useful as well. My eight-year-old self was a feral little freak (said with great affection), so I could do worse than to strive to impress them.

Lewisia: 9 new ephemera pieces written, all of January queued up, which also means I am officially done writing and scheduling for Year Five of Lake Lewisia, holy shit!

Day job: 32.25 hours, a short week due to the holiday and so still not really representative of my new schedule

Gardening: picked up this year's bareroot fruit trees (apricot, peach, and damson)

Reading: completely forgot to mention that I finished reading Margaret Killjoy's collection, We Won't Be Here Tomorrow, which was haunting and delicious and everything I love about a short story collection

Listening: the two-single (what's the term...) release of "The Way She Looked at You / Devil May Care" by Sarah Shook & the Disarmers (same lead singer as Mightmare), which is a real one-two punch of sorrow and hilarity, bought more music even though it wasn't actually a Bandcamp Friday

The Bedroom Project: got the mirror hung up, which by a minor miracle fit precisely in the space I needed it to go without disrupting the Pokemon card frames that I absolutely was not going to move

Well, I guess that basically felt like a normal week? I mean, work is weird because a bunch of people are on holiday and thus the workload is...different, if not exactly less. But I didn't have to experience any massive emotional upsets, so that was something.

It's a new year, and I'm really not sure I want to do anything but live as quietly as possible. The past year has made me realize how little ambition I actually have. It's not even depression or anything--I just can't bring myself to jump through the capitalistic hoops of what constitutes worthwhile pursuits. I just want to enjoy my little projects and my small pleasures and make ends meet. Is that so wrong?

Lewisia: 5 new pieces written, which gets me caught up, though I still need all the ephemera pieces for January

Day job: 32 hours, and thus ends my experience of working four tens

Cooking: appetizers-as-dinner for New Year's Eve--stuffed mushrooms, pigs-in-blankets, cheese puffs, four different kinds of cookies

Listening: Dio's Holy Diver, because yeah, I just live under a mountain of Stranger Things fic at this point and it needs a soundtrack to go with it

Other: spent 24 hours looking after a runaway momma dog and her three puppies until we managed to connect with her human (the pups are going to be for sale and I am so tempted even though I don't love backyard breeding and I have a geriatric dog to look after, but dang it, the universe dropped puppies into my lap)

The Bedroom Project: made minor repairs to an old and very large mirror destined for the wall opposite my window

Minion was out from work for personal reasons all week, and my nighttime counterpart was out some too. So that was...rough. Also had car trouble while on a long drive. Also my dog is doing poorly, in an increasingly end-of-the-road sort of way.

It wasn't actually a bad week, but it has ended badly, which distorts everything in hindsight. But now I'm behind and exhausted and listening to queer 80s synth pop to make myself feel...better? I'm not sure this qualifies as better, but it sure is an emotion I'm experiencing.

Lewisia: 0 new pieces written--have to play catch-up now

Day job: 42.5 hours

Listening: two albums of dungeon synth from Tales Under the Oak (Toad King and Swamp Kingdom), bought more stuff for Bandcamp Friday

Playing: my copy of Pokemon Scarlet/Violet finally arrived (after ALL the shipping delays!)

Other: hometown trip for appointments

The Bedroom Project: filled the shelves with all the poor stuffed animals that have been in bags for two months now, moved some precious books and knickknacks into it as well, and left myself a nice little section for resting my tablets when charging, so it's basically the best thing to ever happen to me :3

Upheavals continue at work, but at least my new minion is starting to gain some confidence. The weather has my joints aching something awful, so it's nice to have a free excuse to make someone else do a bit of the (literal and figurative) heavy lifting.

The Bedroom Project continues apace. The shelving is almost done and ready to use, at which point I'll finally get to take all my stuffed animals back out of the bags they've been in for a couple months now. I am absolutely unhinged with the desire to hang up all my newly-framed artwork, which will actually be possible now that all the furniture is where it will be long-term.

Also, dad and I managed to get through the assembly process on the shelving without either of us a) getting injured or b) blowing up at the other. \o/

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 32 hours

Cooking: many Thanksgiving foods!

Listening: City Poppin' Vol. 2 by Caitlin Myers (charming, the Japanese version of September will never leave my head again), the annual Thanksgiving sing-along of Alice's Restaurant

The Bedroom Project: stained all the boards for the shelving (turned out way more blue-gray than the container and/or in-store samples suggested, but I'll cope), assembled the framework, moved it into my room and secured it to the studs (nearly done!)

Out of sorts and exhausted all week. Constitutionally incapable of resting when I should. This headache has not only moved in with me, we are now picking out window treatments together and have a joint bank account.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 51 hours

Gardening: succulent club meeting, planted bagged bulbs in the castle garden--10 tulip, 12 crocus, 30 muscari, planted seeds in the wildflower garden--lupin, cosmos

Listening: Prey Animal by Equal Creatures--probably more melancholy than I should listen to in my current mood, but "IDRLB" is an absolute earworm, so that's okay

The Bedroom Project: bought stain and sanding supplies for the shelves being built, sanded all the boards

*collapse* That was too much! No regrets, but still. Too much! But I got it all done in the time I had. And I got one day of my vacation, once all the writing and painting and catching up was done, to actually chill out.

Friends, am I...am I bad at vacations?

I would like to do some work for NaClYoHo Month, but damn, I gotta recover for a hot minute first.

Lewisia: 6 new pieces written, plus 9 ephemera pieces, which let me get all of November queued up

Day job: 20.75 hours, which is three days of vacation followed by two days of overtime, including the first 12-hour day I've had in a good long while--not sure that's the balance I want to strike...

Cooking: three-color rice crispy treats, the traditional Halloween homemade pizza, biscuits and sausage/mushroom gravy from scratch

Gardening: planted the new smoke tree out in the wildflower field

Listening: bought six (!) new albums for Bandcamp Friday, started listening to Are We at the Movies? by The Lisps, and here and nature by Louie Zong

Whumptober: 2 days completed, 2 days posted, 3752 words written, event completed ╰(*°▽°*)╯

The Bedroom Project: finished all walls, touched up edges, moved furniture back into room in new configuration, still waiting on shelving to truly finish (ಥ _ ಥ)

Yeah, we've definitely hit the point of not being able to keep up with all this. Trying to do Whumptober has been going great! Repainting my room is going to plan!

Doing both at the same time? A tremendous mistake.

Also, I went out and socialized. Even bigger mistake.

Lewisia: 0 new pieces written--*shrug* I'll get there

Day job: 42.5 hours, much of which felt like it was dedicated to setting up my dominoes so they wouldn't burn the place to the ground in my absence

Gardening: moved in more delicate plants to the house

Whumptober: 7 days completed, 7 day posted, 12840 words written

The Bedroom Project: moved furniture out of room, stripped everything off two walls, scrubbed them clean, tapped off trim and the dividing line between the two colors, applied the top half color to both

Other: attended a theater performance with a work friend

Average daily word count ticked down a bit. Been struggling a little. Work has been more demanding, and I'm back to missing some of my breaks (aka writing time). Every weekend day, I say to myself, let's get the story written early so I don't have to stay up late. And every day, there ends up being this and that to carry on about, such that I do not start writing until evening. *sigh*

I haven't written anything for Teen Wolf, despite reading enough fic for it that it probably ranks right below MCU at this point. I have this whole handful of fandoms I read for that I still don't feel qualified to write for. Oddly, I haven't read that much Leverage fic, really, and yet found myself not hesitating in the slightest to write for it now.

I don't know what the alchemy is that happens in my head that makes me feel like I am "qualified" to write for one fandom and not another.

Lewisia: 6 new pieces written, so I'm all caught up again

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 2 posts added--gonna stop tracking this, as I no longer have difficulty keeping organized on this and I'm losing track of what I tag and queue when to keep a count anyway

Day job: 42.75 hours, and I have a new trainee who is allegedly going to remain to be my long-term lackey, which is a very dubious privilege for me

Cooking: molasses ginger cookies that turned out exactly right

Gardening: started bringing plants into the house for the winter, as it is That Time again

Whumptober: 7 days completed, 7 day posted, 15255 words written

The Bedroom Project: remeasured to start setting the cutoff points for each color in the gradient, realized a) the slanted ceiling line was going to really make this difficult to lay out and b) my will to live was ebbing every time I thought about the project, revised plan, am now doing a deep green two-tone wall (to which I may eventually add a chair rail) a la Howl's bedroom in Howl's Moving Castle *drags hand down face* and actually BOUGHT THE PAINT--reminder, this is all getting done next weekend whilst I am on my Halloween vacation

Had to go to the doctor for my annual physical, which loomed large over the whole week for me. Went way less horribly than they usually do. It's possible that all the buying of new music and trees and food was something of fortification and compensation for this particular trial. No regrets.

Lewisia: 4 new pieces written--still playing catch-up

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 56 posts added--needed to get ahead for the coming week

Day job: 32 hours, on account of the holiday

Gardening: bought two new trees and two new shrubs, placed preorders for next year's fruit trees, picked up a trailer load of free compost

Reading: finished listening to the audiobook of Desert Oracle by Ken Layne (from the podcast of the same name), started reading High Wizardry and Monstrous Regiment

Listening: picked up some new albums for Bandcamp Friday last week and finally started listening to them--Persephone Is Dead, Long Live Persephone! by Dogwood, Blessings by S.J. Tucker

Other: got through my doctor's appointment without triggering either an episode of disordered eating or a panic attack

The Bedroom Project: picked up some alternate paint chips (still debating...)

A remarkably successful week. I say remarkable, because it seems like I am routinely hobbled by other people and/or businesses being just...just real shit at their jobs. Just a lot of "maximize profit at any cost, it is cheaper to pay off the complainers than do a better job in the first place."

I really, sincerely want to participate in Whumptober. Specifically, I want to do the hurt/comfort variant I've so enjoyed reading from thepartyresponsible across a couple of years. I am fully okay, I will note, with taking advantage of the already-posted prompt list to write ahead of time. I'm not proud.

I feel weirdly...underqualified for this? I mean, sure, I used to churn out short, fragmented prompt-based pieces on a regular basis, including weird crossovers...when I was in high school! My adult fanfic writing experience has consisted of "frantically drafted during a mental health crisis" and/or "lovingly agonized over for years, well beyond what is reasonable for the word count."

These feel like muscles I haven't attempted to use in years and I'm not even sure the nerve connections still exist. I feel like I need to rewire my brain, solder in some new circuits, before I can write for this.

Lewisia: 4 new pieces written--playing catch-up a bit--queued all September posts

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 39.75 hours, on account of jury duty

Cooking: roasted sunflower seeds (yum!)

Gardening: collected two of the giant sunflower heads, the rest and the popcorn still ripening/drying

Reading: finished reading Deep Wizardry (*sobwailagain*), finished What Moves the Dead (*shudder* goddammit, Ursula...), finished Redwall audiobook (...regrettably, I am aware of British social classes and imperialism and I am...having a hard time not seeing that...)

Other: jury duty (for all of about two hours)

The Bedroom Project: received frames, went to physical store to return the three that arrived horribly broken, framed up all prints (woo!) which now have to wait for the walls to actually be ready (boo...)

Fewer injuries and more stress at the day job. I am torn between my philosophy and my emotions. I believe that other people have a right to miss work as needed, and moreover that it is good to screw around with large corporations that don't pay proper wages (for all that I personally failed to get a properly functioning slack-off gene).

And yet, and still, I'm irritated as hell when I'm the one going, well, shit, I guess I need to figure out how to do two+ people's jobs again without even knowing when or how long my counterpart will be missing.

Also, one of the trucks caught lightly on fire yesterday (don't ask). So that's how my life is going...

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 31.5 hours, on account of taking a day off for appointments

Cooking: made peach jelly cups--can you tell I have a current obsession?

Crafting: finished the first braided cord, added findings and strung the (crab) pendant on it, started on the next one I need

Gardening: collected some sunflower seeds but need to let them ripen more, tested a few kernels of popping corn which also needs to ripen more

Reading: finished reading So You Want to Be a Wizard (*sobwail*), started Deep Wizardry

Other: trip to my hometown for appointments

The Bedroom Project: ordered frames, ordered new sheets (mushrooms! sheep! not in combination! that sounds unsettling!), picked out some paint chips of possible color combos for the walls

Getting into a rhythm again. Except that rhythm is "stuck in a time loop": coming in every day and feeling like all the work of the previous day has been undone and I'm going to have to grind through it all again. Also, I really exceeded my quota on minor hand injuries this week--frequency, not severity, at least, but still.

With the first full harvests of the summer starting to come in, all I want is for it to be autumn. Halloween. I mean, I always feel like summer is just a miserable stretch of time that must be endured in order to get to Halloween. This year in particular, though, I desperately want to be able to crawl under some heavy blankets and listen to rain and take all my food spiced.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 42.5 hours

Cooking: made strawberry-rhubarb jelly cups

Crafting: working on a braided cord to string a new pendant on (7-strand "fill the gap" pattern on a kumihimo board)

Gardening: succulent club meeting, which is still managing to give me flashbacks to the social drama in high school, harvested most of the sweet corn

Reading: tried to listen to The Memory Librarian and just couldn't get engaged with a dystopia right now, started listening to the audiobook of Redwall, reading So You Want to Be a Wizard (don't mind me, just reading all the good stuff I missed as a kid)

Listening: the new Mountain Goats album, Bleed Out

The Bedroom Project: measured all the various posters and art prints that I want to actually frame (instead of just using sticky tabs) and started sourcing suitable frames

( [Warning: mention of animal death] )

Foolish shenanigans continue at work. And they tried to convince me to take on a team lead position that's going to be opening up in another department. I declined, because there's really nothing appealing about it. Someday, when my body gives out, I'll probably have to resign myself to that sort of career change. But for now, for fuck's sake, just let me keep playing with my machines.

Lewisia: 8 new bonus pieces written, as the stockpile was getting low

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 42.75 hours

Cooking: tried roasting sunflower heads--an interesting experience but not one worth repeating

Crafting: attached new patches to my denim vest and jacket--this batch is all from Hand Over Your Fairy Cakes and I was really happy with my purchases

Gardening: Pandemic Garden Club post, harvested a few sunflower heads and many pounds of grapes

The Bedroom Project: went to order the new shelving unit I wanted, only to discover that shipping would literally double the price of it (over $200 for shipping?!) and driving to pick it up would cost the same in gas, so now we have possibly finalized a design for building a suitable substitute ourselves

A proper weekend at last! Which I admittedly spent the start of by sweating and swearing my way through moving mattresses and cleaning under furniture. But now I have The Most Comfortable Bed to show for it. Gods, I can't wait for winter, when I get to burrow under approximately twenty blankets, including the electric one, whilst lying on the softest, squishiest bed ever.

I've also been catching up on sleep and chores, though not yet catching up on social media. Naps take priority over feeds, you know?

It's not been entirely restful, as one of the dogs is doing very poorly and not long for this world. But I at least feel a bit more like I have the internal resources to cope with such things.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, all August posts queued up

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 42.5 hours, because I just had to get there a little early at the start of the week and stay a little late at the end, obvs...

Cooking: sometimes, the YT algorithm points me at food actually worth making, so I made these gnocchi-like potato lumpkins in a soy and chili powder dressing and lo, they were chewy and delightful and shaped like mushrooms

Gardening: ordered some seeds for fall

Reading: finished Devil House, finished Hunger Pangs (so sweet, need moar!), started What Moves the Dead

Listening: can't remember if I mentioned anything the last time I bought a bunch of music (I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats & Beat the Champ by the Mountain Goats, City Poppin' by Caitlin Myers, A Colm Night at Sea by Colm R. McGuinness, and Mischief by S. J. Tucker) but I've gone and bought Mythcreants by Tricky Pixie (which is also S. J. Tucker in part), an album I had wanted desperately years ago and then lost track of

The Bedroom Project: new mattress arrived, got help from my dad in trimming down the existing mattress frame to size (and he only lost a thumbnail, not the whole thumb! *hollow laughter* we are disasters...), cleaned my huge collection of stuffed animals off with a lint roller (*shakes fist at cat*), and set up the new bed, proceeded to sleep like the dead

Another brutal week at work, this time with my second shift counterpart out for half the week. I can feel the crash creeping up on me. I'm less and less rested by the end of the weekend.

On the other hand, one of the toolmakers taught me how to dismantle and clean one type of hinge. Because my wishlist at work consists of being taught skills that will ultimately allow/compel me to do other people's menial tasks for them. I have incredibly poor survival skills for corporate employment, it turns out, but fuck it--I got to learn something new from someone willing to be patient with me. Highlight of the week.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Gratitude journaling: 35 new entries

Tumblr queue: 28 posts added

Day job: 50.5 hours, and that's supposed to be the last of the mandatory OT (we'll see...)

Gardening: planted some more pumpkin seeds to bolster this year's frankly tragic crop, since this is about the latest we can possibly plant them and still have time for them to ripen

Reading: finished listening to the audiobook of The Box in the Woods

The Bedroom Project: I'll give this its own posts at some point, but for now--ordered a new mattress, took measurements and drew out the new design to scale

Other: spent approximately three thousand years of my life waiting while getting new tires put on the car

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