scrubjayspeaks

By the gods, I made sure I rested this weekend. In fact, I have been feasting on Stephanie Sterling’s YT videos. While I really only have one or two Let’s Play channel I watch, I now have several video essay channels that talk about video games. I will never have the time or budget (or in some cases, inclination) to play all the games that are out there, but I like hearing about interesting thoughts prompted by them.

That being said, Stephanie talked so much about Vampire Survivors, to which she contributed writing, that I felt compelled to check it out. And look at that, there’s a free demo version on itch.io. And ohhh, the full Steam version is on sale right now. And woooo, the bundle with DLCs and the OST is on sale too.

Yeah, so, it’s a very satisfying game. I would never have expected to enjoy bullet hell or really most rogue-lites, as that’s not my usual jam. But the mad cascade of numbers as I become a damage-dealing pinwheel is delightful.

I had my next HRT follow-up. I mentioned that the pharmacy continues periodically to have some kind of brain crisis around providing me with the correct type of syringes and needles, despite doing this every month for two years at this point. Which is how I found out my Planned Parenthood clinic is now offering injection supply packs. I now have everything I need for six months for, as far as I can tell, no cost at all. This is incredibly cool of them. And it makes up somewhat for the fact that the pharmacy also has a brain crisis around honoring all the refills I have on testosterone for no reason that any of us can discern.

Lewisia: 5 new pieces written

Day job: 40.25 hours, with Wednesday short for me

Cleaning: did a little room refresh for the season

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #15 & 16 (#16 is the Molly and Poo...tangent? Side quest? Extended hallucination? What the fuck did I just read?)

Watching: more Murderbot :3, also the hockey episode of Leverage~~ <3

Listening: StarX Lover by Dreamer Isioma (new album! Love how many of the artists I listen to released something new for Pride Month)

Playing: Vampire Survivors

Aftermarket Parts: HRT follow-up, the last of the month’s appointments, all good

Clock Mouse: 1453 words

Okay, so it’s probably not the sound card. It really is the speakers, and Windows just likes to be a pain in the ass about recognizing hardware when I plug it in, thereby undermining my troubleshooting efforts. I haven’t gone through to test if any of the individual speakers work when plugged in directly, rather than through the subwoofer hub. I could use headphones, except the jack is positioned such that the cord won’t reach comfortably.

*sigh*

We’re routinely at or over 100 degrees. All outdoor work needs to be done by 9 AM to avoid The Suffering. I’ve been seeing some mockingbirds around home, which is unusual. Someday, maybe I’ll have blue jays. I would like that.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 41 hours, in which every morning was screaming chaos and every afternoon was stupefying tedium

Cleaning: have possibly solved the problems with the weed whacker stalling out, still need to really test it

Crafting: got a little more progress on the dice bag

Gardening: garden club post, succulent club meeting

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #13 & 14

Watching: more Murderbot TV :3 (man, I forgot how much fun and how infuriating a proper potboiler story is)

Listening: Greetings From Echo Park by Ryan Cassata (new release for Pride month)

Aftermarket Parts: got through one appointment with a non-trans-related doctor without drama about my surgery, one to go

Clock Mouse: 1343 words

So I think the sound card on my computer died last night. Now I have to figure out how to get it to the shop I work with, which is back in my hometown. I really didn’t need the expense of computer repairs this year. I just can’t seem to catch a break lately. It’s not as bad as it could be, I guess--not compared to some of the computer deaths I’ve had in the past. Still...

This was the last “normal” week of the month for me. After this, it’s doctor’s appointments and trips out of town. ( ╯□╰ )

The weather chilled out, apart from a random cloud burst with thunder. It’s still not pleasant, it’s just not meteorological murder. While driving home from work, I spotted an oriole in a residential area.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.5 hours, which was surprisingly chill for a week with overtime

Gardening: continuing to add data to the club’s inventory for sales

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #11 & 12 (normally, I would get frustrated by watching people ruin their own lives over misunderstandings, but I just find this so popcorn and candy munchable)

Watching: more Murderbot TV :3, finished season 4 of my slow Leverage rewatch

Listening: OUT THERE by Hiromi (I think this was another rec from John Darnielle, it’s got some more experimental, chaotic jazz, as well as more city pop type jazz, “Balloon Pop” is a very fine song indeed)

Aftermarket Parts: two years of T today! 💉🎉, attended a local trans pride event

Clock Mouse: 1341 words, and I’m actually having a very good time

We received a string of good news this week. The fight mum has been having with the bank holding dad’s much-delayed disability payments (yes, the ones from when he was alive back in summer of last year), which escalated to filing a complaint with the BBB, has allegedly been resolved. I’ll believe it when she gets the check and cashes it, but for now, tentative joy. Also, after initial concerns and a false positive, mum was cleared on some medical test results. And her federal tax refund was recalculated in her favor by a fairly substantial amount.

Given how absolutely shit things have been for the past month (or year, depending on how far back you want to calculate), this was a welcome cluster of goodness and relief.

I taught myself to solder this week. I say it that way because I watched my trainer do it once months ago, but he effectively refused to teach me because he’s not good at it (his description). Which is fine, I guess, though I find it a bit frustrating to be told, well, you just have to try it yourself, when it’s about a 600-degree tool and liquefied metal. But fine. I watched a couple of YouTube videos and then tried. Turns out, I’m quite good at it. It’s not nearly as challenging as using the plasma cutter was. So now I’ll get to build some adapter pigtails from scratch, and I get to do it the tidy, pretty way, all by myself.

The weather has been mostly clear and warm during the day, though the nights are still pretty cold and foggy. It’s the very best of spring, as far as I’m concerned. While in a nearby town, I spotted a woodpecker (not super sure what kind) and a patch of Naples garlic growing by a stream.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43 hours

Gardening: installed a bug-exclusion screen on mum’s seedling starting cold frame

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #5 (a soap opera like this continues to be exactly what I need), Where the Drowned Girls Go by Seanan McGuire (oh, that did not go where I was expecting, that was delicious)

Listening: Moominvalley (2019) OST (no, I haven’t seen more than clips of the show and am unlikely to, since I can’t source it anywhere, but damn, it’s a really enjoyable set of songs), also been listening to the soundtracks from Katamari Damacy and We <3 Katamari after listening to a podcast episode about it (Watch Out for Fireballs!) and being hit by nostalgia

Aftermarket Parts: no more weight lifting restrictions whoo!

Clock Mouse: 1199 words

Wonder of wonders! I took my car in for routine maintenance, and nothing horrible was found! It didn’t cost an outrageous amount of money, and I got to pick it up again the very next day.

I have been playing an outrageous amount of Stardew Valley. I’ve barely interacted with any of the newest content, however, as I slowly plod my way along to a profitable farm.

We had a very nice outing to the local farmer’s market. Truly, the well-being boost from having some fresh berries and mushrooms cannot be overstated.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Cooking: tried making my seed loaf with some dried fruit bits added in, but it ended up just drowning out the seed flavors entirely

Cleaning: helped mum move a section of fencing to give the remaining horses access to the now-unoccupied corrals

Listening: Favorites and Rarities by Don McLean (how have I only known American Pie for so long, when he’s got so much great stuff???), Hobgoblin’s Hat by Allysen Callery (another “searched Moomin on Bandcamp” find, reminds me loosely of Joanna Newsom, which was a nice surprise)

Aftermarket Parts: got the first SDI payment, received more paperwork nonsense

Clock Mouse: 1202 words

I’m playing a bit of catch-up on this, as I didn’t have the energy last Sunday to post.

Friends, I am having A Time. In addition to one horse dying the night before I left for surgery, our other oldest horse just died the day after I got home again. Because why not?

There’s a reason a small, superstitious part of me believes all good things must be paid for in blood--the universe really likes to pull this sort of shit on me. If I was going to have any sort of complex emotional response to finally getting top surgery, it has been entirely swamped and swept away by having to have emotions about this shit instead.

I replaced my cracked iPad. (Did I tell y’all about that? Well, in any case, it does what it says on the tin--my iPad cracked horrifically, replacing it was a situation.) The ebook reader app I had been using no longer exists, so that went poof. Fortunately, I had separately backed up the files out of suitable paranoia. The new one I’m switching to does not make me happy, but what does? I’ve at least finally got all the other apps reinstalled, so it no longer feels like I’m missing half my brain.

One of the failures of said brain recently has been: I did not renew my driver’s license when I should have (ie months in advance to offset bureaucratic delays), so now I’m stuck with a temporary while waiting for the new physical one to arrive.

You know who doesn’t consider an expired DL as valid ID? The identity verification site used by the short-term disability service. Oh, they specifically say you can choose an expired DL and a temporary as a document type in their FAQ, but that isn’t actually an option I can select. So. I can’t submit anything for income replacement until I get the new one. Neat.

The windows of waiting versus the windows of filing are technically such that I should be okay. I love the feeling of being okay on a technicality. Fun.

It is difficult to remember that I have only been home for three full days, because they have been wall-to-wall bullshit. I just want to rest???

Day job: 8.5 hours--a lone Monday for strategic leave-taking reasons

Reading: Strangers in Paradise volumes #2 and #3 by Terry Moore (god, it’s like popcorn, just devouring it by the fistful), The Light Eaters by Zoë Schlanger (maybe because I was listening to this while in the hotel room pre- and post-surgery, but I just couldn’t get into it the way I have the last few nature books), relistening to Martha Wells’s Murderbot series #1 and #2 so far (a forever favorite)

Listening: Water Still Flows by Rich Ruth (via KEXP, complex jazz sounds with just enough of a lofi beats vibe to make it chill), Dolmenwood: Journeys Through Wold and Bog by Tales Under The Oak (even more immersive soundscapes than their previous albums, very good)

Aftermarket Parts: TOP SURGERY! Which I will definitely write about eventually. Maybe once I have these blasted drains out and don’t feel so uncomfortable and on-edge.

Clock Mouse: 1089 words last week, 1084 words this week

Well, friends, here I sit. Perch, really, on a barstool in a little hole-in-the-wall cafe. I've got over two hours before my appointment is scheduled.

Why so much time? I had to return the rental car this morning. Since I have no idea what traffic to expect, I'm giving myself a lot of buffer time on everything. This will result in a lot of sitting around, trying to keep my anxiety under control.

The surgical experience has not gone swimmingly so far. In fairness, it's nothing to do directly with the surgery. Monday, I got home from work to find out one of the horses was suddenly, inexplicably, and severely unwell. None of the local emergency vets was going to be available until the next day. We predicted that was going to be too little, too late, but there were no alternatives. We provided what medical care we could to at least keep her comfortable.

She died in the night. I'll write about her eventually. She was the last show horse and the one I worked with most, because she was active during and after college for me. She was 25, which is a decent run, as far as these things go. I loved her a whole lot. Shit sucks.

So Tuesday morning, with a storm incoming, I helped my mom use the tractor to drag her out into the field. One of our neighbors has a backhoe, and they've dug graves for us several other times. Mom will be able to get her buried with their help, but moving her into position was a process.

Then I got showered, packed up my luggage, and headed out to get the rental car. Then drove for hours, into a storm. To get to a city I've barely visited and only driven in once very briefly. As the most country of country mice, who is more accustomed to driving on unpaved country lanes than narrow, congested city streets.

It's been two and a half days, and this week is fucking with my head.

So here I sit. With tea.

Got the surgical clearance appointment done, but I’m still waiting on the blood work results. Got the EKG at least, which I had to look up the terminology for. Basically fine, apparently, but not so you could tell by reading several phrases that sound absolutely dire without explanation.

This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Every day, I wait to hear that some political decision has been made that will make my surgery illegal. I understand that actual laws, as opposed to just executive orders, take time. I understand that challenges can get laws blocked pending review.

But I also recognize that lots of companies and organizations are preemptively complying and/or using the new administration as an excuse to drop policies they never really cared about anyway. So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t trust that the normal mechanisms will protect me even temporarily. I don’t even trust that having private insurance, ie money, will protect me.

Because they’re entirely mask-off at this point--it was never just about children, it was never just about tax dollars, it was never just about freedom of speech. Which we knew--anyone who wasn’t a hopeless fool or a disingenuous ass knew that none of those supposed limits would hold. But still.

Sorry. That’s not really “done this week” except insofar as what I did this week was panic.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 36 hours, with one day off but also some time on Saturday to restart after a planned power outage

Gardening: more weeding

Reading: re-listened to beloved The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente while driving, listened to Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein (my old guy coworker references the classics, and I figured it was time to try this out, liked it more than I expected for something so very much Of Its Time in many ways)

Listening: RATKING by Brimheim (another KEXP recommendation)

Aftermarket Parts: reserved a rental car for traveling, printed backup maps, surgical clearance appointment and corresponding bloodwork

Clock Mouse: 1344 words, and maybe I’ll spend my recovery week doing some planning...

Well, it’s a new year, and it already feels unforgivably stupid.

I did set some goals, but… Going through last year’s goals, it was very clear the way in which my life fell to pieces in March and never really got back on the rails. Best laid schemes, and all that. So I find myself a bit gun-shy over making any grand new plans. Top surgery, which in theory should only occupy my January and February, feels like a sufficiently robust and/or daunting goal to carry the remainder of the year. Planning anything else feels like asking for trouble.

I heard the first meadowlark of the year. It seems very early for that. I wonder if that means it’s going to be a mild winter. I also saw a red fox running through my field, pausing occasionally to pounce on the various rodents living out there.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, and all January posts queued up, which will carry me through the end of Lewisia Year 7 (?!?!)

Day job: 25.5 hours--I have lost track of what day it is entirely at this point, and the prospect of working a full week of five days fills me with despair

Cooking: finally got to make my seed loaf again, though I overcooked it thanks to having a fully functional oven; chocolate chip ginger spice cookies; pizza for New Year’s Eve

Gardening: planted the white peach tree we received at dad’s memorial

Reading: volume 1 of the Moomin comic strips <3

Listening: Run With The Hunted by Skyhill (their first album, which doesn’t have the polish of Out in the Moonlight but still delivers exactly the vibes I liked them for)

Aftermarket Parts: submitted the request for a leave of absence through the portal thing that my employer uses (now waiting for approval), worked on a list of things to pack for surgery week

Clock Mouse: 1319 words

There was a planned power outage on Wednesday. Since then my internet has been a mess. Almost anything causes my home internet to crap out. It came back for a while on Friday, and I thought, oh good, I don’t have to call and go through customer service hell. It was basically fine yesterday. And now today, it is dead again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

I’ve got workarounds that work with my tablet, but nothing that will get internet to my desktop computer. I’ve got too much shit going on right now to worry about it, though. I’m not going to call and deal with them days before a major national holiday. What I need to do is get a wireless adapter for my desktop so it can work with a hotspot. Whether I buy one or continue to use the ones made available through my local library remains to be seen. But I’m so sick of paying for goods and services that don’t work.

Speaking of which! I have bought a new oven. Because the warranty company did not, in fact, get their contractors under control and get the old one fixed. I am furious about that, but also relieved to finally have an oven again.

And in a final fuck-you from this week, I was scheduled to have a medical clearance call on Friday. As far as I know, this is to give me instructions on lab work to get done ahead of surgery. I sure hope that’s all I need to do, because time is a-tickin’. But I sure as shit don’t know yet, because I got stood up! They never called. I tried sending messages to find out if they were just running late--when it was thirty minutes past time--and then had to just say, cool, your business hours are over now, so I guess we’re rescheduling.

Ills and disservices! That’s all I’m getting these days! Fuck!

Lewisia: 4 new pieces written, and I guess I’m just going to pick away at the backlog each week

Day job: 43 hours

Reading: finished the Two Towers production, now I have to wait for Return of the King to be available

Listening: Wonders by S. J. Tucker (inspired by Catherynne M. Valente’s The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making, utterly delightful, need to go reread the book in celebration)

Aftermarket Parts: got stood up for medical clearance call, got updated letter of support for surgery (since it will over a year since I got it by the time of my surgical date)

Clock Mouse: 1577 words

Other: unloaded hay twice