scrubjayspeaks

We received a string of good news this week. The fight mum has been having with the bank holding dad’s much-delayed disability payments (yes, the ones from when he was alive back in summer of last year), which escalated to filing a complaint with the BBB, has allegedly been resolved. I’ll believe it when she gets the check and cashes it, but for now, tentative joy. Also, after initial concerns and a false positive, mum was cleared on some medical test results. And her federal tax refund was recalculated in her favor by a fairly substantial amount.

Given how absolutely shit things have been for the past month (or year, depending on how far back you want to calculate), this was a welcome cluster of goodness and relief.

I taught myself to solder this week. I say it that way because I watched my trainer do it once months ago, but he effectively refused to teach me because he’s not good at it (his description). Which is fine, I guess, though I find it a bit frustrating to be told, well, you just have to try it yourself, when it’s about a 600-degree tool and liquefied metal. But fine. I watched a couple of YouTube videos and then tried. Turns out, I’m quite good at it. It’s not nearly as challenging as using the plasma cutter was. So now I’ll get to build some adapter pigtails from scratch, and I get to do it the tidy, pretty way, all by myself.

The weather has been mostly clear and warm during the day, though the nights are still pretty cold and foggy. It’s the very best of spring, as far as I’m concerned. While in a nearby town, I spotted a woodpecker (not super sure what kind) and a patch of Naples garlic growing by a stream.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43 hours

Gardening: installed a bug-exclusion screen on mum’s seedling starting cold frame

Reading: Strangers in Paradise #5 (a soap opera like this continues to be exactly what I need), Where the Drowned Girls Go by Seanan McGuire (oh, that did not go where I was expecting, that was delicious)

Listening: Moominvalley (2019) OST (no, I haven’t seen more than clips of the show and am unlikely to, since I can’t source it anywhere, but damn, it’s a really enjoyable set of songs), also been listening to the soundtracks from Katamari Damacy and We <3 Katamari after listening to a podcast episode about it (Watch Out for Fireballs!) and being hit by nostalgia

Aftermarket Parts: no more weight lifting restrictions whoo!

Clock Mouse: 1199 words

Wonder of wonders! I took my car in for routine maintenance, and nothing horrible was found! It didn’t cost an outrageous amount of money, and I got to pick it up again the very next day.

I have been playing an outrageous amount of Stardew Valley. I’ve barely interacted with any of the newest content, however, as I slowly plod my way along to a profitable farm.

We had a very nice outing to the local farmer’s market. Truly, the well-being boost from having some fresh berries and mushrooms cannot be overstated.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Cooking: tried making my seed loaf with some dried fruit bits added in, but it ended up just drowning out the seed flavors entirely

Cleaning: helped mum move a section of fencing to give the remaining horses access to the now-unoccupied corrals

Listening: Favorites and Rarities by Don McLean (how have I only known American Pie for so long, when he’s got so much great stuff???), Hobgoblin’s Hat by Allysen Callery (another “searched Moomin on Bandcamp” find, reminds me loosely of Joanna Newsom, which was a nice surprise)

Aftermarket Parts: got the first SDI payment, received more paperwork nonsense

Clock Mouse: 1202 words

I’m playing a bit of catch-up on this, as I didn’t have the energy last Sunday to post.

Friends, I am having A Time. In addition to one horse dying the night before I left for surgery, our other oldest horse just died the day after I got home again. Because why not?

There’s a reason a small, superstitious part of me believes all good things must be paid for in blood--the universe really likes to pull this sort of shit on me. If I was going to have any sort of complex emotional response to finally getting top surgery, it has been entirely swamped and swept away by having to have emotions about this shit instead.

I replaced my cracked iPad. (Did I tell y’all about that? Well, in any case, it does what it says on the tin--my iPad cracked horrifically, replacing it was a situation.) The ebook reader app I had been using no longer exists, so that went poof. Fortunately, I had separately backed up the files out of suitable paranoia. The new one I’m switching to does not make me happy, but what does? I’ve at least finally got all the other apps reinstalled, so it no longer feels like I’m missing half my brain.

One of the failures of said brain recently has been: I did not renew my driver’s license when I should have (ie months in advance to offset bureaucratic delays), so now I’m stuck with a temporary while waiting for the new physical one to arrive.

You know who doesn’t consider an expired DL as valid ID? The identity verification site used by the short-term disability service. Oh, they specifically say you can choose an expired DL and a temporary as a document type in their FAQ, but that isn’t actually an option I can select. So. I can’t submit anything for income replacement until I get the new one. Neat.

The windows of waiting versus the windows of filing are technically such that I should be okay. I love the feeling of being okay on a technicality. Fun.

It is difficult to remember that I have only been home for three full days, because they have been wall-to-wall bullshit. I just want to rest???

Day job: 8.5 hours--a lone Monday for strategic leave-taking reasons

Reading: Strangers in Paradise volumes #2 and #3 by Terry Moore (god, it’s like popcorn, just devouring it by the fistful), The Light Eaters by Zoë Schlanger (maybe because I was listening to this while in the hotel room pre- and post-surgery, but I just couldn’t get into it the way I have the last few nature books), relistening to Martha Wells’s Murderbot series #1 and #2 so far (a forever favorite)

Listening: Water Still Flows by Rich Ruth (via KEXP, complex jazz sounds with just enough of a lofi beats vibe to make it chill), Dolmenwood: Journeys Through Wold and Bog by Tales Under The Oak (even more immersive soundscapes than their previous albums, very good)

Aftermarket Parts: TOP SURGERY! Which I will definitely write about eventually. Maybe once I have these blasted drains out and don’t feel so uncomfortable and on-edge.

Clock Mouse: 1089 words last week, 1084 words this week

Well, friends, here I sit. Perch, really, on a barstool in a little hole-in-the-wall cafe. I've got over two hours before my appointment is scheduled.

Why so much time? I had to return the rental car this morning. Since I have no idea what traffic to expect, I'm giving myself a lot of buffer time on everything. This will result in a lot of sitting around, trying to keep my anxiety under control.

The surgical experience has not gone swimmingly so far. In fairness, it's nothing to do directly with the surgery. Monday, I got home from work to find out one of the horses was suddenly, inexplicably, and severely unwell. None of the local emergency vets was going to be available until the next day. We predicted that was going to be too little, too late, but there were no alternatives. We provided what medical care we could to at least keep her comfortable.

She died in the night. I'll write about her eventually. She was the last show horse and the one I worked with most, because she was active during and after college for me. She was 25, which is a decent run, as far as these things go. I loved her a whole lot. Shit sucks.

So Tuesday morning, with a storm incoming, I helped my mom use the tractor to drag her out into the field. One of our neighbors has a backhoe, and they've dug graves for us several other times. Mom will be able to get her buried with their help, but moving her into position was a process.

Then I got showered, packed up my luggage, and headed out to get the rental car. Then drove for hours, into a storm. To get to a city I've barely visited and only driven in once very briefly. As the most country of country mice, who is more accustomed to driving on unpaved country lanes than narrow, congested city streets.

It's been two and a half days, and this week is fucking with my head.

So here I sit. With tea.

Got the surgical clearance appointment done, but I’m still waiting on the blood work results. Got the EKG at least, which I had to look up the terminology for. Basically fine, apparently, but not so you could tell by reading several phrases that sound absolutely dire without explanation.

This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Every day, I wait to hear that some political decision has been made that will make my surgery illegal. I understand that actual laws, as opposed to just executive orders, take time. I understand that challenges can get laws blocked pending review.

But I also recognize that lots of companies and organizations are preemptively complying and/or using the new administration as an excuse to drop policies they never really cared about anyway. So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t trust that the normal mechanisms will protect me even temporarily. I don’t even trust that having private insurance, ie money, will protect me.

Because they’re entirely mask-off at this point--it was never just about children, it was never just about tax dollars, it was never just about freedom of speech. Which we knew--anyone who wasn’t a hopeless fool or a disingenuous ass knew that none of those supposed limits would hold. But still.

Sorry. That’s not really “done this week” except insofar as what I did this week was panic.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 36 hours, with one day off but also some time on Saturday to restart after a planned power outage

Gardening: more weeding

Reading: re-listened to beloved The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente while driving, listened to Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein (my old guy coworker references the classics, and I figured it was time to try this out, liked it more than I expected for something so very much Of Its Time in many ways)

Listening: RATKING by Brimheim (another KEXP recommendation)

Aftermarket Parts: reserved a rental car for traveling, printed backup maps, surgical clearance appointment and corresponding bloodwork

Clock Mouse: 1344 words, and maybe I’ll spend my recovery week doing some planning...

Well, it’s a new year, and it already feels unforgivably stupid.

I did set some goals, but… Going through last year’s goals, it was very clear the way in which my life fell to pieces in March and never really got back on the rails. Best laid schemes, and all that. So I find myself a bit gun-shy over making any grand new plans. Top surgery, which in theory should only occupy my January and February, feels like a sufficiently robust and/or daunting goal to carry the remainder of the year. Planning anything else feels like asking for trouble.

I heard the first meadowlark of the year. It seems very early for that. I wonder if that means it’s going to be a mild winter. I also saw a red fox running through my field, pausing occasionally to pounce on the various rodents living out there.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, and all January posts queued up, which will carry me through the end of Lewisia Year 7 (?!?!)

Day job: 25.5 hours--I have lost track of what day it is entirely at this point, and the prospect of working a full week of five days fills me with despair

Cooking: finally got to make my seed loaf again, though I overcooked it thanks to having a fully functional oven; chocolate chip ginger spice cookies; pizza for New Year’s Eve

Gardening: planted the white peach tree we received at dad’s memorial

Reading: volume 1 of the Moomin comic strips <3

Listening: Run With The Hunted by Skyhill (their first album, which doesn’t have the polish of Out in the Moonlight but still delivers exactly the vibes I liked them for)

Aftermarket Parts: submitted the request for a leave of absence through the portal thing that my employer uses (now waiting for approval), worked on a list of things to pack for surgery week

Clock Mouse: 1319 words

There was a planned power outage on Wednesday. Since then my internet has been a mess. Almost anything causes my home internet to crap out. It came back for a while on Friday, and I thought, oh good, I don’t have to call and go through customer service hell. It was basically fine yesterday. And now today, it is dead again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

I’ve got workarounds that work with my tablet, but nothing that will get internet to my desktop computer. I’ve got too much shit going on right now to worry about it, though. I’m not going to call and deal with them days before a major national holiday. What I need to do is get a wireless adapter for my desktop so it can work with a hotspot. Whether I buy one or continue to use the ones made available through my local library remains to be seen. But I’m so sick of paying for goods and services that don’t work.

Speaking of which! I have bought a new oven. Because the warranty company did not, in fact, get their contractors under control and get the old one fixed. I am furious about that, but also relieved to finally have an oven again.

And in a final fuck-you from this week, I was scheduled to have a medical clearance call on Friday. As far as I know, this is to give me instructions on lab work to get done ahead of surgery. I sure hope that’s all I need to do, because time is a-tickin’. But I sure as shit don’t know yet, because I got stood up! They never called. I tried sending messages to find out if they were just running late--when it was thirty minutes past time--and then had to just say, cool, your business hours are over now, so I guess we’re rescheduling.

Ills and disservices! That’s all I’m getting these days! Fuck!

Lewisia: 4 new pieces written, and I guess I’m just going to pick away at the backlog each week

Day job: 43 hours

Reading: finished the Two Towers production, now I have to wait for Return of the King to be available

Listening: Wonders by S. J. Tucker (inspired by Catherynne M. Valente’s The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making, utterly delightful, need to go reread the book in celebration)

Aftermarket Parts: got stood up for medical clearance call, got updated letter of support for surgery (since it will over a year since I got it by the time of my surgical date)

Clock Mouse: 1577 words

Other: unloaded hay twice

Now my supervisor is also going to be leaving for health reasons. The proposed shuffling about of personnel in response to that has not pleased anyone I’ve talked to. Another person is going to be looking elsewhere soon, though I only know that because we talk secretly about such things. The whole plant is getting hollowed out.

The company, as seen from my level, is blithely ignoring the issue and hammering us with austerity measures. Because number not go up bad. That’s the level of sophistication on display currently.

I have to get through six months. Or, to be precise, five months and thirteen days. That gets me to my surgery. As long as I don’t lose my insurance before then, I’m okay. If I spend my recovery time sending out job applications, so be it.

That, at least, is what keeps me from rage quitting each time the next bit of self-defeating stupidity comes down the line. I’m also looking at other positions in the company, which would at least address the issue of being in a dead-end role with no options for better pay. But increasingly, it’s difficult to imagine a role that would escape the general tendency to shoot ourselves in the dick repeatedly.

I’ve been getting an assortment of books and movies from the library, which always makes me feel like I’ve somehow gotten away with something in the best way. (Free stuff! No consequences! Yay!) I tried the charcuterie vending machine that’s downtown, which was pricey but a fun indulgence.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.5 hours, including an hour of overtime beating my head against a recalcitrant machine

Cooking: cornflake breaded chicken and pan pizza (no particular recipe for either)

Crafting: darning socks, repaired stitching on my binder, made some progress on the crochet dice bag I’ve been ignoring for months

Reading: Across the Green Grass Fields by Seanan McGuire (as always, ow, my heart, but also: I love that I can always count on Seanan to upend the prejudiced assumptions that are taken for granted in some YA and folk stories both)

Watching: Beetlejuice (never seen it before but wanted to in preparation for the sequel because, in both cases, Winona Ryder, I found the titular character largely uninspiring but all the rest of the crowd immensely charming)

Listening: Classics by Ratatat (been listening to a lot of folk music, which is heavy on lyrics to learn, so took a break with something instrumental, another long-delayed album purchase)

Aftermarket Parts: booked the hotel I’ll stay at during surgery

Other: unloaded hay, dealt with a flat tire on the ranch truck

*sigh*

Dad ended up in the ER on Tuesday and didn’t get released until Saturday. Very long story short, catastrophic anemia, cause unknown, two pints of blood. At least this was the closer hospital, so mum didn’t have to drive as far to visit him.

He got in a screaming match with her within thirty minutes of getting home. Because being told “please do not do things that will wear you out, because you may drop dead of it” is the worst injustice he’s ever experienced. And also because mum getting emotional about him just doing random shit and not listening to anyone qualifies as being mean to him.

I’m just saying, it was really nice having him out of the house all week. Great not having to put up with his temper tantrums and his sulking and his criticisms of the exact methods by which his wife waits on him hand and foot.

Nice, quiet week.

Anyway, it’s been a year of testosterone and I wanted to be super happy about that. The household miasma of misery and spite kind of put a damper on that.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 34 hours, mandatory day off #2 of 5

Cooking: these pretzel biscuits, which were a pleasing novelty, a blueberry lemon layer cake of no particular source and deranged execution to celebrate my testosterone anniversary

Gardening: garden club post

Listening: Anniversary by Adeem the Artist (always a joy), Wrabel’s single “the village” with the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles (Youtube is allowed to present me with new music if this is what it blesses me with, please excuse me while I bawl my eyes out)

Aftermarket Parts: one year! 🎉✨🎉

Other: unloaded hay, donated blood (not specifically because dad is using it all up, but not NOT because of that)

I got to have the house to myself for hours and hours on Friday, due to a medical appointment for my dad. Glorious. My god, I am losing my mind over never getting to be alone in my own house.

I then spent Saturday on a whirlwind mini vacation to see the local Pride events. I went to the movies, toured the street fair, got myself dinner and ice cream, and then saw my first drag (and burlesque) show.

I’m working hard on doing more things by myself. Because it’s that or I don’t get to do them at all. The fact is that I don’t have friends locally (again) and no one really has time for me. I’m the only one who’s going to look out for my well-being.

Which is depressing if I let it be. So I’m trying to just approach it as an adventure instead.

Lewisia: 6 new pieces written

Day job: 25.75 hours, between the Memorial Day holiday and taking a day off (mandatory, #1 of 5, *seething resentment*)

Crafting: making one of those paper chain thingies out of fancy origami paper to count down to my surgery date

Gardening: moved almost all the office plants outside now that the weather is more stable and warmer

Watching: Furiosa--I went in with the understanding that it would not, could not, match the pure artistry and glory of Fury Road, and thus I had a perfectly happy time and will probably write about it in some capacity

Listening: Sun Suite by Louie Zong (needed something soothing and Louie always delivers the chill vibes), Tracy Chapman’s eponymous album (so good and so sad???)

Aftermarket Parts: paid the surgeon’s fees, left message with hospital for trying to find out their fees as well

Other: unloaded hay, drag and burlesque show