On Four Months
Oct. 8th, 2023 11:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scrubjayspeaks[CW for frank discussions of body changes, including hair, menstruation, and libido, and talk of dysphoria. Also, I am going to talk (briefly) about sex toys. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]
As mentioned last month, I nudged my dosage up a little bit. I’m at 0.35mL now. I wondered for a while if I was not reacting to it well, the details of which I’ll get into below. But I think most of it was just stress--September was a Very Bad Month for me in general--and it seems a bit better now. I’m definitely not going to increase it anymore for a while. I think I’ll reassess at six months. That seems like a good marker for a moment of reflection. (As though I’m not reflecting on this every month as it is.)
Blood Work
New category unlocked! I finally got the results from my first round of blood work. At three months, my total testosterone is 446. The reference range given, which is for females not on T, is 2-45. A set of numbers that just makes me giggle with glee. We’re not in Kansas anymore, baby!
Mid-400s seems to be just where I would want and expect to be after three months on T. My NP was happy with it, in any case. What I really want to see is what I get up to in three months on a slightly higher dose. I think that will give me some kind of rate-of-reaction data to work from.
I was offered the chance to have my blood work done before I started T, just to see what my starting point was, and I declined. Mostly because I was so freaked out by the prospect of anything making them withhold my prescription. I really regret that now, albeit only because of my ceaseless curiosity.
I wish I knew what my body had managed to do all on its own, thanks to the PCOS. Those mid-400s are really for someone not microdosing (ie went up to a full 0.5mL after the first month of adjustment). I know without a doubt that my body already contained a significant amount of testosterone--my arm hair alone gives it away. But now I’ll never know exactly how much of a head-start I got, and I’m sorry to have missed out on that awareness.
After so many years feeling ashamed (or being told to feel ashamed) of the way my body looked because of my hormones, I’m finally allowing myself to be proud of those things instead. To admit how much I like them all, no matter what anyone else thinks. And I’m grateful to my body. It feels like it was trying to give me a gift all that time, and I just kept brushing it aside. I want to give it credit.
My estradiol level is 35. They give a few different reference ranges, depending on where in one’s menstrual cycle they are at the time of the blood draw, as well as post-menopausal levels. While I’m not quite down into the post-menopausal range (31 and below), I’m pretty much in the basement. Again, I wish I had records for where I was before I started T.
Face
Acne has settled down. I still get more breakouts than I used to, but it’s not too bad. Not a significant increase in body acne, either. I never got particularly terrible acne during my first puberty either. I live and die by Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap and witch hazel solution, though.
Voice
Now I’m squeaking a lot more at work, which is...embarrassing... I bought the Masculinize Your Voice Without T course from Renee Yoxon. I’m just getting into the meat of it (introductions and warm-ups out of the way) and exercises for actually changing your voice. Since I am, in fact, on T, this is more about learning the new boundaries of my voice and teaching myself to speak within them.
Body Hair
No significant changes. Though I do feel like I’m growing in my winter coat on my arms, which are extra furry right now.
Chest
Via the voice class, I have found a shop that does custom-sized binders. It’s a long wait time but not a significant difference in price. I haven’t brought myself to order yet, mostly just because I’ve been dealing with the Everything Else. My usual sports bras are killing my shoulders at work, though. I just want a flat chest that doesn’t require additional architecture to manage, damn it.
Menstruation
Haha, fuck you, uterus! *ahem* Yeah, no, no period during all of September. Also, I got to donate blood!
Junk
My libido cut out for a while there. I think it was stress and sadness. It didn’t help that things are starting to dry out. Vaginal atrophy doesn’t just impact comfort during penetration--it also just makes the whole area dry and uncomfortable. At the NP’s recommendation, I tried a product called Replens, which is an over-the-counter moisture supplement/replacement.
Also--and I feel like I should be burying this under multiple levels of cuts, but fuck it, I warned y’all up top--I bought myself a pump. Legend has it they can contribute to permanent T-dick growth, not just temporary engorgement. The sensation is...interesting. It definitely rides the line between pleasure and pain. It is also very effective, if very temporary (for now).
Energy and Strength
For reasons unrelated to transition, I’ve been hurting and tired lately. I keep trying to get myself to start lifting weights on a regular basis, but it hasn’t worked yet. Since my new trainee at work is taking over some of the heavy lifting, though, I probably need to keep up with it in my own time instead.
Mental
I did have a somewhat upsetting response to something in the voice class, which came up in some posts online as well. There was talk of studying the men/masculine people you want to emulate. Looking at how they talk, but also how they move and stand and interact with others. And I had this fierce sensation of panic and rebellion--I can’t. If I was any goddamn good at imitating how other people do gender, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. I could just pretend to be a woman like I’m “supposed to.”
(Insert disclaimer: that is not actually how being trans works. Being a failure at your assigned gender is not necessarily a sign of transness, nor a requisite for it. That’s not even how *my* transness works, though I *am* an abject failure at being a woman.)
I talked myself down from the panic with the reminder that I don’t actually have to do any of that. I am not required to be a proper man, or a proper anything else, just because I’m transitioning. I can be a “failure” of a man if I want. I can be a failure of a human. I can pick and choose the bits of any and all genders I like and do my own thing. It’s what everyone else is doing anyway, whether they realize it or not. No one is a proper anything, because that’s a fiction.
It was a reminder that, though I’m increasingly going for what is considered a binary medical transition, that doesn’t mean I actually have to be binary myself. Put the “creature” back in “boy-creature.”
As mentioned last month, I nudged my dosage up a little bit. I’m at 0.35mL now. I wondered for a while if I was not reacting to it well, the details of which I’ll get into below. But I think most of it was just stress--September was a Very Bad Month for me in general--and it seems a bit better now. I’m definitely not going to increase it anymore for a while. I think I’ll reassess at six months. That seems like a good marker for a moment of reflection. (As though I’m not reflecting on this every month as it is.)
Blood Work
New category unlocked! I finally got the results from my first round of blood work. At three months, my total testosterone is 446. The reference range given, which is for females not on T, is 2-45. A set of numbers that just makes me giggle with glee. We’re not in Kansas anymore, baby!
Mid-400s seems to be just where I would want and expect to be after three months on T. My NP was happy with it, in any case. What I really want to see is what I get up to in three months on a slightly higher dose. I think that will give me some kind of rate-of-reaction data to work from.
I was offered the chance to have my blood work done before I started T, just to see what my starting point was, and I declined. Mostly because I was so freaked out by the prospect of anything making them withhold my prescription. I really regret that now, albeit only because of my ceaseless curiosity.
I wish I knew what my body had managed to do all on its own, thanks to the PCOS. Those mid-400s are really for someone not microdosing (ie went up to a full 0.5mL after the first month of adjustment). I know without a doubt that my body already contained a significant amount of testosterone--my arm hair alone gives it away. But now I’ll never know exactly how much of a head-start I got, and I’m sorry to have missed out on that awareness.
After so many years feeling ashamed (or being told to feel ashamed) of the way my body looked because of my hormones, I’m finally allowing myself to be proud of those things instead. To admit how much I like them all, no matter what anyone else thinks. And I’m grateful to my body. It feels like it was trying to give me a gift all that time, and I just kept brushing it aside. I want to give it credit.
My estradiol level is 35. They give a few different reference ranges, depending on where in one’s menstrual cycle they are at the time of the blood draw, as well as post-menopausal levels. While I’m not quite down into the post-menopausal range (31 and below), I’m pretty much in the basement. Again, I wish I had records for where I was before I started T.
Face
Acne has settled down. I still get more breakouts than I used to, but it’s not too bad. Not a significant increase in body acne, either. I never got particularly terrible acne during my first puberty either. I live and die by Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap and witch hazel solution, though.
Voice
Now I’m squeaking a lot more at work, which is...embarrassing... I bought the Masculinize Your Voice Without T course from Renee Yoxon. I’m just getting into the meat of it (introductions and warm-ups out of the way) and exercises for actually changing your voice. Since I am, in fact, on T, this is more about learning the new boundaries of my voice and teaching myself to speak within them.
Body Hair
No significant changes. Though I do feel like I’m growing in my winter coat on my arms, which are extra furry right now.
Chest
Via the voice class, I have found a shop that does custom-sized binders. It’s a long wait time but not a significant difference in price. I haven’t brought myself to order yet, mostly just because I’ve been dealing with the Everything Else. My usual sports bras are killing my shoulders at work, though. I just want a flat chest that doesn’t require additional architecture to manage, damn it.
Menstruation
Haha, fuck you, uterus! *ahem* Yeah, no, no period during all of September. Also, I got to donate blood!
Junk
My libido cut out for a while there. I think it was stress and sadness. It didn’t help that things are starting to dry out. Vaginal atrophy doesn’t just impact comfort during penetration--it also just makes the whole area dry and uncomfortable. At the NP’s recommendation, I tried a product called Replens, which is an over-the-counter moisture supplement/replacement.
Also--and I feel like I should be burying this under multiple levels of cuts, but fuck it, I warned y’all up top--I bought myself a pump. Legend has it they can contribute to permanent T-dick growth, not just temporary engorgement. The sensation is...interesting. It definitely rides the line between pleasure and pain. It is also very effective, if very temporary (for now).
Energy and Strength
For reasons unrelated to transition, I’ve been hurting and tired lately. I keep trying to get myself to start lifting weights on a regular basis, but it hasn’t worked yet. Since my new trainee at work is taking over some of the heavy lifting, though, I probably need to keep up with it in my own time instead.
Mental
I did have a somewhat upsetting response to something in the voice class, which came up in some posts online as well. There was talk of studying the men/masculine people you want to emulate. Looking at how they talk, but also how they move and stand and interact with others. And I had this fierce sensation of panic and rebellion--I can’t. If I was any goddamn good at imitating how other people do gender, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. I could just pretend to be a woman like I’m “supposed to.”
(Insert disclaimer: that is not actually how being trans works. Being a failure at your assigned gender is not necessarily a sign of transness, nor a requisite for it. That’s not even how *my* transness works, though I *am* an abject failure at being a woman.)
I talked myself down from the panic with the reminder that I don’t actually have to do any of that. I am not required to be a proper man, or a proper anything else, just because I’m transitioning. I can be a “failure” of a man if I want. I can be a failure of a human. I can pick and choose the bits of any and all genders I like and do my own thing. It’s what everyone else is doing anyway, whether they realize it or not. No one is a proper anything, because that’s a fiction.
It was a reminder that, though I’m increasingly going for what is considered a binary medical transition, that doesn’t mean I actually have to be binary myself. Put the “creature” back in “boy-creature.”
