On Two Years
Jun. 8th, 2025 08:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scrubjayspeaks[CW for frank discussions of body changes and sex. Discussions of surgical recovery. Discussions of sexism. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]
Holy shit, how has it already been two years? I didn’t get to celebrate at all, but happy boy day to me.
Face
My beard shadow is very heavy. I shave in the morning, and by the end of the work day, it looks very obvious to me. In fairness, I am scrutinizing my own face in ways that other people probably are not, unless they’re maybe a little creepy. It makes me self-conscious at work, where I am very much still closeted. So far, though, people seem to be willing to leave the resident freak alone.
I still don’t feel like the shape of my face has changed significantly--my fat redistribution has mostly happened around my belly and thighs, rather than in my face. Even so, all strangers appear to default to reading me as male. Which is...interesting, but we’ll get to that more in a moment.
Voice
Cracking has gone away. I haven’t messed with recording myself in a while, so I’m not sure how it sounds that way. I’m still rediscovering my singing voice. My range has shifted significantly, but it feels a bit more mellow and easier to access than it did, say, a year ago.
Body Hair
Look, I’m not saying I’m on Steve Harrington’s level, but I have a pretty nice pelt of chest hair at this point. I am generally furry, and very happily so.
Chest
I am now four months out from top surgery. I still plan to write about that at some point, I swear. In the meantime, though, how are things going? I’ve recovered a lot of sensation in my chest, though there’s definitely still a layer of numbness across the whole area. It’s not that bothersome, and I think it will continue to improve with time. My scars are probably at their ugliest right now, in that things are healed but not subsided at all. I’m less thrilled with them, but most of my body scars have historically been slow to fade but eventually fade A LOT. Again, time.
I’m really happy with the amount of filling the surgeon left on me. I’ve got nice, full pecs that look right on the rest of my body. And goddamn, it is fun being able to flex and actually see all the muscle that used to be hidden under a continental shelf of boob.
I still find myself surprised at times to discover my new chest. It’s hot all the time now as summer comes in. Normally, I would be tucking my shirt up under my tits for sweat management while at home. There is muscle memory there that hasn’t disappeared.
I did get to surrender my binder to a trans clothing exchange during a Pride event, which felt like a real rite of passage.
Junk
My libido has settled into a stable new baseline. I am pretty much a one-and-done guy now, which did not used to be the case, but it doesn’t take much work to get there. It’s really easy to fall into a habit of maintenance masturbation to help me get to sleep, which feels like a very dude thing? I haven’t had any issues with atrophy so far, after the first couple months of T as my body adjusted, though I do sometimes get cramps, particularly after orgasm.
Energy and Strength
I no longer really notice any differences. The fluctuations of my joint pain have more of an impact on these things than anything else. My job is not as consistently back-breaking as it once was, so I probably need to make a habit of lifting weights to keep my muscle level.
Mental
Okay, this is complicated on two fronts. One, this is a nightmare time to be trans. I don’t think I need to explain that one much. I’ll just say that the threat of losing access to my hormones sends me into a depression spiral like nothing else can. Constant, low-grade terror for both my material safety and my quality of life hasn’t done me any favors.
Two, being consistently read as male by strangers has created some unexpected self-consciousness. Partly this is just safety concerns. I worry about accidentally outing myself (as either trans or just as an effeminate/gay man) by not following Man Rules properly. But I do also find myself thinking about those Man Rules myself. It’s nice to be properly gendered. So now there’s a part of me that thinks, well, do you really want to [wear that color/dye your hair/express that interest/etc] and risk being seen as less manly?
Like, holy shit, I am newly hyperaware of the narrow lanes to which men are expected to keep. Men are just not allowed to have fun or express themselves except in these incredibly bland, prescribed ways. It sucks. No one should have all the color sucked out of the world like that. Most of the time, I resist it and wear the flamboyant floral shirt anyway, but the safe choice of a black tshirt is a siren call too.
I’m hoping to start attending a local trans support group, if I can get the scheduling logistics worked out. I really need to feel like part of my own community, and that’s not something that’s magically going to happen without effort.
Holy shit, how has it already been two years? I didn’t get to celebrate at all, but happy boy day to me.
Face
My beard shadow is very heavy. I shave in the morning, and by the end of the work day, it looks very obvious to me. In fairness, I am scrutinizing my own face in ways that other people probably are not, unless they’re maybe a little creepy. It makes me self-conscious at work, where I am very much still closeted. So far, though, people seem to be willing to leave the resident freak alone.
I still don’t feel like the shape of my face has changed significantly--my fat redistribution has mostly happened around my belly and thighs, rather than in my face. Even so, all strangers appear to default to reading me as male. Which is...interesting, but we’ll get to that more in a moment.
Voice
Cracking has gone away. I haven’t messed with recording myself in a while, so I’m not sure how it sounds that way. I’m still rediscovering my singing voice. My range has shifted significantly, but it feels a bit more mellow and easier to access than it did, say, a year ago.
Body Hair
Look, I’m not saying I’m on Steve Harrington’s level, but I have a pretty nice pelt of chest hair at this point. I am generally furry, and very happily so.
Chest
I am now four months out from top surgery. I still plan to write about that at some point, I swear. In the meantime, though, how are things going? I’ve recovered a lot of sensation in my chest, though there’s definitely still a layer of numbness across the whole area. It’s not that bothersome, and I think it will continue to improve with time. My scars are probably at their ugliest right now, in that things are healed but not subsided at all. I’m less thrilled with them, but most of my body scars have historically been slow to fade but eventually fade A LOT. Again, time.
I’m really happy with the amount of filling the surgeon left on me. I’ve got nice, full pecs that look right on the rest of my body. And goddamn, it is fun being able to flex and actually see all the muscle that used to be hidden under a continental shelf of boob.
I still find myself surprised at times to discover my new chest. It’s hot all the time now as summer comes in. Normally, I would be tucking my shirt up under my tits for sweat management while at home. There is muscle memory there that hasn’t disappeared.
I did get to surrender my binder to a trans clothing exchange during a Pride event, which felt like a real rite of passage.
Junk
My libido has settled into a stable new baseline. I am pretty much a one-and-done guy now, which did not used to be the case, but it doesn’t take much work to get there. It’s really easy to fall into a habit of maintenance masturbation to help me get to sleep, which feels like a very dude thing? I haven’t had any issues with atrophy so far, after the first couple months of T as my body adjusted, though I do sometimes get cramps, particularly after orgasm.
Energy and Strength
I no longer really notice any differences. The fluctuations of my joint pain have more of an impact on these things than anything else. My job is not as consistently back-breaking as it once was, so I probably need to make a habit of lifting weights to keep my muscle level.
Mental
Okay, this is complicated on two fronts. One, this is a nightmare time to be trans. I don’t think I need to explain that one much. I’ll just say that the threat of losing access to my hormones sends me into a depression spiral like nothing else can. Constant, low-grade terror for both my material safety and my quality of life hasn’t done me any favors.
Two, being consistently read as male by strangers has created some unexpected self-consciousness. Partly this is just safety concerns. I worry about accidentally outing myself (as either trans or just as an effeminate/gay man) by not following Man Rules properly. But I do also find myself thinking about those Man Rules myself. It’s nice to be properly gendered. So now there’s a part of me that thinks, well, do you really want to [wear that color/dye your hair/express that interest/etc] and risk being seen as less manly?
Like, holy shit, I am newly hyperaware of the narrow lanes to which men are expected to keep. Men are just not allowed to have fun or express themselves except in these incredibly bland, prescribed ways. It sucks. No one should have all the color sucked out of the world like that. Most of the time, I resist it and wear the flamboyant floral shirt anyway, but the safe choice of a black tshirt is a siren call too.
I’m hoping to start attending a local trans support group, if I can get the scheduling logistics worked out. I really need to feel like part of my own community, and that’s not something that’s magically going to happen without effort.
