scrubjayspeaks

There’s some real cognitive dissonance in writing this up while simultaneously doomscrolling Bluesky for political updates and watching a Game Grumps compilation to keep my brain from evacuating from my skull.

At some point, I’m going to post more about the process of top surgery. But I think it’s going to have to wait until after it’s done. Because every time I think about the details, I have a panic attack. This is, in fact, the worst my anxiety has been since 2013, the Year That Nearly Killed Me.

Meanwhile, the screen on my iPad spontaneously shattered. It has been dropped in its lifetime, but it wasn’t recent. So I’m not sure why it chose Friday evening to spiderweb. It can’t be fixed, so I get to replace it. The local shop doesn’t have it in stock. Because of course. So unless they manage to receive it on Monday such that I can get it after work, I will be heading into my surgical travels with a broken, albeit currently functional, tablet.

Sure. Why not.

It is difficult to overstate the degree to which I feel both personally and collectively cursed.

One of the thrashers at work was perched on a light pole, which is not behavior I usually see from a mostly ground-dwelling bird, and was singing vigorously. For my birthday, mum made my favorite spiced pork roast, twice-baked potatoes, and a cake filled with raspberry whipped cream. ~🍰~

Lewisia: no new pieces written but the holiday message went up--break time!

Day job: 34.75 hours, with a day off for my birthday

Reading: Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher (oof, lovely and upsetting and I love the world building and I love the two leads), Strangers in Paradise volume #1 by Terry Moore (got a Terry Moore bundle from Humble Bundle and might actually finish reading a series I started in high school)

Aftermarket Parts: got all results for surgical clearance, did pre-arrival call with the hospital

Clock Mouse: 1229 words

As is traditional, Lewisia will be on holiday for the month of February. Posts will resume on Monday, March 3rd, on their usual schedule.

In the meantime, remember that the weirdo, and the freak, and the stranger are our neighbors, a vital part of our community. If they aren’t free to follow their small joys and deepest longings, however foreign to our own, how will we be free to collect transdimensional vinyl records, or raise hives of sentient books, or fall in love with crystalline cave-dwellers at the downtown park?

All her life, she had been looking for home, and all her life, she built it for herself by finding people to love. That sort of life tends to lead one on adventures, of the type that might result in others owing you boons, and at the end of her days, she had a wish waiting to be granted. So she breathed out through frail, mortal lungs one last time, then she breathed in through wide bay windows, and stretched up into vaulted ceilings, and opened her doors to everyone she had longed to shelter.

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LL#1219

With the understanding that alcohol lowers inhibitions, they thought a few drinks might help their shy new friend open up a bit, and she had been willing enough to try something that might make socializing less distressing. She turned out to be a very driven, very organized drunk, and was found an hour into the party reorganizing the host’s socks according to “vibrational frequencies.” This served as quite the conversation starter, if nothing else, and the host invited her back over to explain the concept again after he found he no longer lost socks in the dryer thanks to her.

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LL#1218

As the greater Lake Lewisia region does not have its own hospital (occult body modifiers notwithstanding), residents in need of surgery can face the distressing prospect of relying upon outside services. We have newly partnered with a subspecies of under-the-bed monsters whose native habitat is under hospital beds, gurneys, and surgical tables. Well-versed in the twilight realms of anesthesia and intensive care wards, these monsters will watch over you and guard you against danger, in exchange for those little juice cartons and any pudding cups.

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LL#1217

Got the surgical clearance appointment done, but I’m still waiting on the blood work results. Got the EKG at least, which I had to look up the terminology for. Basically fine, apparently, but not so you could tell by reading several phrases that sound absolutely dire without explanation.

This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Every day, I wait to hear that some political decision has been made that will make my surgery illegal. I understand that actual laws, as opposed to just executive orders, take time. I understand that challenges can get laws blocked pending review.

But I also recognize that lots of companies and organizations are preemptively complying and/or using the new administration as an excuse to drop policies they never really cared about anyway. So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t trust that the normal mechanisms will protect me even temporarily. I don’t even trust that having private insurance, ie money, will protect me.

Because they’re entirely mask-off at this point--it was never just about children, it was never just about tax dollars, it was never just about freedom of speech. Which we knew--anyone who wasn’t a hopeless fool or a disingenuous ass knew that none of those supposed limits would hold. But still.

Sorry. That’s not really “done this week” except insofar as what I did this week was panic.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 36 hours, with one day off but also some time on Saturday to restart after a planned power outage

Gardening: more weeding

Reading: re-listened to beloved The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente while driving, listened to Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein (my old guy coworker references the classics, and I figured it was time to try this out, liked it more than I expected for something so very much Of Its Time in many ways)

Listening: RATKING by Brimheim (another KEXP recommendation)

Aftermarket Parts: reserved a rental car for traveling, printed backup maps, surgical clearance appointment and corresponding bloodwork

Clock Mouse: 1344 words, and maybe I’ll spend my recovery week doing some planning...

She wasn’t allowed to go next door, given her parents’ feud with the neighbor, but love can’t be stopped so easily. Constructing a gangplank that would clip to each of the balconies took all of her nine-year-old’s ingenuity and disregard for safe engineering practices, and slitting the window screen was comparatively easy after shimmying across that divide. The neighbor’s cat sprang out to meet her, purring and once again whispering to the child about the adventures they could have together, at it had been for months from across the yards.

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LL#1216

He had seen a lot of odd things, detailing cars at the car wash, and gotten a lot of reactions from the drivers when they realized he had seen some evidence of their peculiarities. The smiling driver of the hatchback didn’t seem to mind him seeing the assortment of wood and hinges and cloth, and she didn’t hesitate to start assembling all of it with brisk efficiency. He watched as a mast and sails emerged from the sunroof and a rudder folded out from the spare tire mount, and he only noticed the tip she had given him was a piece of pirate gold after the car had sailed off the nearest overpass and into the sky.

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LL#1215

To those not yet come to Lewisia: we are here, and we will find each other somehow. There will be signposts, and fliers calling together the like-minded, and meaningful glances from peculiar strangers, all pointing you toward a safe haven. There will be no iron fences or razor wire moats around us when you get here; no gatekeeper will ask for papers, approvals, or proofs of purchase.

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LL#1214

Am I overwhelmed? Maaaaaybe! There’s a lot happening all at once still. My dreams have become exceedingly strange, which suggests my unconscious brain is doing its best to process all this without exploding.

The weather has been well below freezing overnight. Had some minor issues with the water system, but nothing vital broke. Threw blankets over sensitive equipment.

Got to watch a couple of bluejays messing about while at the educational garden.

Lewisia: no new pieces written, decided to take the week off as I’ve got the February downtime ahead and thus can afford some breathing room

Day job: 42.5 hours

Gardening: succulent club meeting, more weeding, attended lecture on pruning fruit trees, bought some new plants

Listening: Factories in Heaven by The Scoffs (a KEXP recommendation, classic punk sound, very enjoyable)

Aftermarket Parts: another call with the surgeon confirming planned procedures

Clock Mouse: 1602 words, and no, seriously, at some point I need a plan for this...

The house, being both rural and rundown, had its share of more and less welcome cohabitants, and the woman tried to make her peace with that. She grew accustomed to ducking to avoid the low-hanging cobwebs of spiders, and she pretended not to notice the quick streak of mousy bodies darting along the cabinets and behind the refrigerator. What she was not prepared to ignore or adapt to was the clip-clop noises of very recognizable, albeit very small, heeled boots scuttling from one room to the next at all hours of the night.

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LL#1213

The brewer hunted for ever more peculiar flavor sources, bent on achieving a complexity of flavor bordering on the troubling. He found ways to dissolve landscapes into solution and steep dreams alongside leaves. His beers were of a place, not merely by having nourished the wheat and hops, but by breathing in the hills and drinking down the half-sleeping thoughts of a napping farm worker, until each sip made the drinker think of that place as their hometown, however distant and unseen.

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LL#1212

two log cabins with snow on the roofs in a wintery forest the text snowflake challenge january 1 - 31 in white cursive text

Challenge #6

Share your favourite piece of original canon. Post your answer to today’s challenge in your own space and leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I've been revisiting The Lord of the Rings books, and I recently finished Two Towers. This was previously the section I found least interesting, but this read-through hit different.

Éomer and Faramir both have speeches about what they will decide to do when they capture, more or less, members of the fellowship. Éomer has to decide if he will let Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go on their way--with loaned horses, even--when he has orders to detain and bring back to King Théoden anyone he hasn't summarily killed. Faramir is under similar orders from Gondor when he meets Frodo, Sam, and Gollum.

They monologue their way through the moral dilemma, weighing options and motivations. Both of them invoke ideas of manhood and honor in a way that really grabbed hold of me. They ultimately both decide that trust, and compassion, and solidarity are more important than blind adherence to rules and authority. It's not that they're disloyal to their leaders. But they decide that their honor will not let them betray vulnerable strangers.

I've been paying particular attention to what being a good man means in the series. It's full of men who recite poetry, and speak tenderly of friends, and feel deeply the sufferings of their times. They're brave and steadfast, prepared to endure terrible things. They don't glory in the terrible things, though, or even in their ability to bear up under them. It is strength without hardness. It is strength that longs for, and works toward, the days when it will not be needed.

There's a lot of advice floating around about how to pass as a man. And a lot of it amounts to "wear drab colors, be less expressive, be harder and more withdrawn." Which all seem like a wretched way of defining manhood. They might be necessary to pass, since those do seem to be the expectations of men in our current overculture. But I keep looking for models of manhood that don't settle for this flattening of a person.

Slips, trips, and falls become more common in the winter months both indoors and out, as we deal with icy conditions, downed tree limbs, and increased cords and clutter from decorations and guests. We recommend using alternative methods of locomotion to avoid such ground-based hazards for the season. Consider levitation, seasonal wing growth, or riding on clouds, carpets, assorted beast mounts, or ambulatory furniture to get around in style and safety.

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LL#1211

1. If you could go back and relive one moment or day from your life, without changing anything, what would you re-experience?
I think I would go back to the day I picked out my first dog when I was five. She was a very young puppy and wouldn't come home with us for a while yet. But we went to the breeder's place and met the current litter of golden retrievers. We were outside under the eucalyptus trees. I ended up lying on my mom's Christmas sweater, on my back with one puppy resting on my chest. That was Sara. She was very sweet and calm even as a little butterball puppy. I would go back and rest with her one more time.

2. If you could witness a moment in history, again without changing anything, what would you want to see?
Huh. The first thing that came to mind was the moon landing, which seems a little plebeian against the full scale of history. For a slightly less specific moment, I'd like to watch a dinosaur hatching and see what the parental care looked like.

3. If you could talk to a younger version of yourself, what age would you visit and what message would you give?
Oof. A fraught topic. If it's just a one-time conversation, probably the best good I could do would be to find myself at 13. I'm not sure I would even need to say anything. Seeing me as I am now, alive and transitioning, might have been message enough.

4. If you could choose one moment that would be guaranteed to happen in your future, what would it be and when would it happen?
Hm, and now we see my chronic inability to imagine the future... Anything I try to imagine feels positively arrogant in its optimism. I'd like to succeed in growing wildflowers well enough that I can stand in my field completely surrounded by flowers waving in the breeze.

5. Pretend you left a time capsule for yourself 5, 10, 15, 20 or more years ago. You just opened it. What three things from your past are you now holding and what age were you when you buried them?
*cackle* All I can imagine is what, say, eight-year-old me would have put in a time capsule. In which case, I am holding an assortment of shiny rocks, dried flowers, and small animal bones little me had found. And probably some now exceedingly stale candies.

*tea kettle noises* Okay, lots of progress this week. Things are actually moving forward as they should. Which does mean I feel a bit like I’m on a roller coaster that just hit the top of the first big peak and the speed is about to take hold of me. Up to this point, I’ve been waiting for everyone else to catch up to me. Now I’m going, oh shit, oh shit, gotta start packing?!

Saw that killdeer I had been hearing.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 34.25 hours, and having despaired last Sunday about having to work a full week, I forgot I was taking Wednesday off

Gardening: my old foe returns--WEEDING!, garden club post

Reading: The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery (had been meaning to read this for a long time, more narrative than the other nature books I’ve been reading, still very interesting but sometimes exceedingly sad), The Hollow Places by T. Kingfisher (hi, hello, I have the shrieking horrors now, thank you for that, the ending twist was better than I had hoped)

Listening: did a combo pack of shorter things--BYTE BALLADS by Louie Zong (vocal synth stuff, sold me with the phrase “you’ve got to save yourself”), “Blinkmoth (July Mix)” by james K (a KEXP pick), and Moomination by Paszczak (experimental electronic stuff, yes, I did search Bandcamp for anything that mentioned Moomin and grabbed whatever seemed cool)

Aftermarket Parts: fielded more calls, submitted many documents, got provisional approval of my leave time (true approval doesn’t happen until it actually starts), paid my hospital fees *moth flies from wallet*

Clock Mouse: 1244 words, and at some point, I’m going to HAVE to name these people…

Other: unloaded hay twice

Welcome to the January edition of Pandemic Garden Club! Growing good things in strange times!

Anyone is welcome to comment with what they're growing right now, things they would like to try, problems they're encountering, and questions they have. Share resources, answer questions, shout encouragement.

As for myself...

( Read more... )

Challenge #5

Talk about what has improved in your life thanks to fandom. Post your answer to today’s challenge in your own space and leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I love the way that fandom can focus my mind through hyperfixation. By which I mean, being deep into a fandom gives me both motivation and a lens through which to see things. This feels very abstract, so, example time!

Right now, I'm very enthusiastic about the world of Moomins. So I'm trying to borrow books from my library, find copies to buy, and generally research what books exist or will be coming out. I'm watching the 90s cartoon on Youtube. I'm looking for posts on tumblr.

But also, I'm learning Swedish--partly to be able to read the original versions of the canon, but also just out of enthusiasm. It's fun to immerse myself in the language and culture out of which the canon arose, to surround myself with the trappings and vibes of it. Also, it's a fun excuse to try making various Scandinavian foods.

I'm thinking about making a Snufkin hat, which would be the first time I did cosplay crafting since sometime in the early 2000s. It's been a long time since I did fanart or any other physical/nonwriting fandom crafting. It's fun to have a "reason" to make things or a direction for my creative impulses.

A lot of this is stuff that I could do without the framing of fandom. I can try new recipes or make crafts whenever I want. But fandom provides a focus. It both points my enthusiasm and creativity at a target and helps ramp up that enthusiasm.

It's especially nice to have these outlets that aren't writing. Writing often feels like work, or at least feels like something I have to "get right." No one else is going to care if I get Swedish pancakes right, though, as long as I find them tasty. The all-consuming fixation of a fresh, strong fandom gives me so many more outlets that aren't subject to the self-criticism that comes with writing.

I think the reason Stranger Things has been floundering for me a bit is because I feel like writing is the only thing I can contribute to or do to engage with the fandom. And I just can't handle that pressure right now.

Maybe it's because it's a very cozy canon, or maybe it's because it's a non-American canon, or maybe it's because it's a canon directed in part at children. But Moomin feels very easy to playfully engage with like this. And at the literal end of the day, it's very helpful to have something fun to retreat into this way.

A recall was issued for a line of locally produced face and body moisturizers that promised never before seen levels of hydration. It turned out the secret ingredient was a form of algae grown in wishing wells, which over time caused the user’s skin to become increasingly jelly-like and transparent. This was nothing out of the ordinary, but it also caused rashes in some users, and trying to scratch an itch while slowly transforming into sentient water created lawsuit-inducing frustration.

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LL#1210

Challenge #4

Since this is the start of a new year, this challenge will be e to set your own goals! Of course we can all make large or ambitious goals, remember that small and/or short goals are also good! Post your answer to today’s challenge in your own space and leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

*sigh* So, my goals for last year were very gentle, "let's expand slightly on the current baseline" targets. Unfortunately, my life also went off the rails last year. I did exactly none of my fannish goals. They can all roll over to this year.

That being said, I'm sort of...reluctant to get too enthusiastic about goal-setting right now. My entire life currently revolves around the logistics of taking a month off work to get top surgery in February. Everything else is taking a backseat to that.

I will say, in an entirely un-timed way, I am working on learning Swedish so I can read Moomin books in the original language. Obtaining said Swedish language versions is also a goal, though Kobo seems to have me covered for a lot of it as long as I'm fine with digital versions. This is a truly pointless, self-indulgent project, which is the best kind of fannish behavior.

On A Trail of Breadcrumbs

Done This Week

Lake Lewisia on holiday

Lake Lewisia #1219

Lake Lewisia #1218

Lake Lewisia #1217

Done This Week

Lake Lewisia #1216

Lake Lewisia #1215

Lake Lewisia #1214

Done This Week

Lake Lewisia #1213

Lake Lewisia #1212

Fandom Snowflake 2025 Challenge #6

Lake Lewisia #1211

The Friday Five

Done This Week

Pandemic Garden Club

Fandom Snowflake 2025 Challenge #5

Lake Lewisia #1210

Fandom Snowflake 2025 Challenge #4

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