scrubjayspeaks

Now my supervisor is also going to be leaving for health reasons. The proposed shuffling about of personnel in response to that has not pleased anyone I’ve talked to. Another person is going to be looking elsewhere soon, though I only know that because we talk secretly about such things. The whole plant is getting hollowed out.

The company, as seen from my level, is blithely ignoring the issue and hammering us with austerity measures. Because number not go up bad. That’s the level of sophistication on display currently.

I have to get through six months. Or, to be precise, five months and thirteen days. That gets me to my surgery. As long as I don’t lose my insurance before then, I’m okay. If I spend my recovery time sending out job applications, so be it.

That, at least, is what keeps me from rage quitting each time the next bit of self-defeating stupidity comes down the line. I’m also looking at other positions in the company, which would at least address the issue of being in a dead-end role with no options for better pay. But increasingly, it’s difficult to imagine a role that would escape the general tendency to shoot ourselves in the dick repeatedly.

I’ve been getting an assortment of books and movies from the library, which always makes me feel like I’ve somehow gotten away with something in the best way. (Free stuff! No consequences! Yay!) I tried the charcuterie vending machine that’s downtown, which was pricey but a fun indulgence.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.5 hours, including an hour of overtime beating my head against a recalcitrant machine

Cooking: cornflake breaded chicken and pan pizza (no particular recipe for either)

Crafting: darning socks, repaired stitching on my binder, made some progress on the crochet dice bag I’ve been ignoring for months

Reading: Across the Green Grass Fields by Seanan McGuire (as always, ow, my heart, but also: I love that I can always count on Seanan to upend the prejudiced assumptions that are taken for granted in some YA and folk stories both)

Watching: Beetlejuice (never seen it before but wanted to in preparation for the sequel because, in both cases, Winona Ryder, I found the titular character largely uninspiring but all the rest of the crowd immensely charming)

Listening: Classics by Ratatat (been listening to a lot of folk music, which is heavy on lyrics to learn, so took a break with something instrumental, another long-delayed album purchase)

Aftermarket Parts: booked the hotel I’ll stay at during surgery

Other: unloaded hay, dealt with a flat tire on the ranch truck

*sigh*

Dad ended up in the ER on Tuesday and didn’t get released until Saturday. Very long story short, catastrophic anemia, cause unknown, two pints of blood. At least this was the closer hospital, so mum didn’t have to drive as far to visit him.

He got in a screaming match with her within thirty minutes of getting home. Because being told “please do not do things that will wear you out, because you may drop dead of it” is the worst injustice he’s ever experienced. And also because mum getting emotional about him just doing random shit and not listening to anyone qualifies as being mean to him.

I’m just saying, it was really nice having him out of the house all week. Great not having to put up with his temper tantrums and his sulking and his criticisms of the exact methods by which his wife waits on him hand and foot.

Nice, quiet week.

Anyway, it’s been a year of testosterone and I wanted to be super happy about that. The household miasma of misery and spite kind of put a damper on that.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 34 hours, mandatory day off #2 of 5

Cooking: these pretzel biscuits, which were a pleasing novelty, a blueberry lemon layer cake of no particular source and deranged execution to celebrate my testosterone anniversary

Gardening: garden club post

Listening: Anniversary by Adeem the Artist (always a joy), Wrabel’s single “the village” with the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles (Youtube is allowed to present me with new music if this is what it blesses me with, please excuse me while I bawl my eyes out)

Aftermarket Parts: one year! 🎉✨🎉

Other: unloaded hay, donated blood (not specifically because dad is using it all up, but not NOT because of that)

I got to have the house to myself for hours and hours on Friday, due to a medical appointment for my dad. Glorious. My god, I am losing my mind over never getting to be alone in my own house.

I then spent Saturday on a whirlwind mini vacation to see the local Pride events. I went to the movies, toured the street fair, got myself dinner and ice cream, and then saw my first drag (and burlesque) show.

I’m working hard on doing more things by myself. Because it’s that or I don’t get to do them at all. The fact is that I don’t have friends locally (again) and no one really has time for me. I’m the only one who’s going to look out for my well-being.

Which is depressing if I let it be. So I’m trying to just approach it as an adventure instead.

Lewisia: 6 new pieces written

Day job: 25.75 hours, between the Memorial Day holiday and taking a day off (mandatory, #1 of 5, *seething resentment*)

Crafting: making one of those paper chain thingies out of fancy origami paper to count down to my surgery date

Gardening: moved almost all the office plants outside now that the weather is more stable and warmer

Watching: Furiosa--I went in with the understanding that it would not, could not, match the pure artistry and glory of Fury Road, and thus I had a perfectly happy time and will probably write about it in some capacity

Listening: Sun Suite by Louie Zong (needed something soothing and Louie always delivers the chill vibes), Tracy Chapman’s eponymous album (so good and so sad???)

Aftermarket Parts: paid the surgeon’s fees, left message with hospital for trying to find out their fees as well

Other: unloaded hay, drag and burlesque show

It’s official: I have scheduled my knife fight! February 6th, 2025. A Thursday, as all the best things must be.

259 days from now.

[CW for frank discussions of body changes, including surgery and dysphoria. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]

Yep, okay, missed the 8th again, because I am a tragedy. Y’all, I am having a time of it.

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I continue to claw my way forward. Work has been so slow, we’ve had time to do major cleaning and reorganizing in my workshop. However, that is intermittently broken up by moments of frantic activity. Including me spending several hours trying to get a machine ready for what was presented as an urgent need, only for them to make an abrupt about face and decide they didn’t want to use it at all.

I don’t feel like a person. It’s just...not good. So this weekend, I’m mainlining old Game Grumps episodes to remind me of the concept of joy.

Lewisia: 6 new pieces written, so I’m caught up again, and the Bake-off content is both coming together and kicking my ass

Day job: 43.5 hours

Reading: Page Boy by Elliot Page (the nonlinear storytelling approach is, uh, a bit chaotic, but it was nice to listen to someone else talk about the “I tried” years of being trans but in denial)

Listening: Ceremony by Tiny Ruins (I think it was more chill than I needed right now, because I didn’t really latch onto it, but I’ll get there--I always like this band’s sound)

Aftermarket Parts: ten months

Other: got bloodwork done, unloaded hay

*deep breath*

*shrieking*

As Movies With Mikey would say: *muffled catawampus*

Anyway! (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

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Lewisia: 3 new pieces written, April posts queued

Day job: 20.25 hours, though thankfully we had Friday off anyway, but it will now take over eight months to top up my PTO reserves…

Crafting: darned some socks and did some minor mods

Gardening: used the new weed whacker for the first time in the tiny window allowed by the weather

Listening: Maggot by Dazey and the Scouts (raucous and appalling [affectionate], a very specific sort of weird)

Aftermarket Parts: surgical consult successfully completed!

Other: commute to and from hospital (2+ hours daily)

Just...a bad time. Bad brain, bad body, bad job, bad pie.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.75 hours, and I got a new mess dumped in my lap at the last minute, so this coming week will be interesting

Cooking: Impossible Pie from Baking Yesteryear (turned out correct but I find the eggy flavor of the filling layer nigh inedible, though sliced strawberries turn out to cover a multitude of sins), pan de cristal (a six-hour process conducted largely in 20-minute intervals, it is possibly the most annoying recipe I’ve ever made but GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, the bread is phenomenal)

Reading: Frankenstein audiobook (well that was...philosophically frustrating)

Listening: Level Up by Ninja Sex Party (listening to an original album from them at last and it certainly lifted my spirits *gigglesnort*), Shadowed Paths Through Middle-Earth by AKERIUS (dungeon synth from the label that handles Tales Under the Oaks, a solid background noise option)

Playing: continued the same playthrough of “Chill Out,” realizing that I just really struggle to come up with things on the fly

Aftermarket Parts: nine months <3

Other: D&D session (didn’t die, but still can’t hit the broad side of a barn when using a bow, despite being a ranger), put together my tax documents ಠ﹏ಠ

Well, I didn’t enjoy that much at all! Cool!

Had a very up-and-down week at work, that involved a lot of reminders/implications that I am in a dead-end position, and the company has no intention of making a path forward available to me if I’m not going to take a management position. Also, relatedly, the reminder that no one will think of me as a candidate for certain positions because they don’t think of me as a man.

Thanks in part of all that, dysphoria has been kicking my ass the last few days.

And for the killing blow, my coworker-turned-DM-turned-very good friend announced she’s moving next month. So I won’t get to work with her, nor will we have our little weekend adventures. Not sure what will happen to the D&D group either.

On tumblr, there’s an emergent piece of advice across multiple posts: do it scared, do it alone. You can’t wait for other people to want to do cool things with you or to hold your hand when you’re intimidated. You’ve got to do it scared. You’ve got to do it alone.

AKA another manifestation of my personal motto: save yourself.

I guess I should be grateful for the time we had, which encouraged me to consider the joys of small adventures and actually going out and doing things. Now I have to make the choice to keep doing that on my own.

I am not, for reference, currently feeling very grateful. Just to be clear.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.25 hours, and several things went off the rails

Crafting: patched my work pants yet again, picked up some yarn and a new hook for a crochet project

Gardening: harvested the second crops of mushrooms, weeding in the castle garden

Reading: In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire (god, even knowing how it has to end because it’s a prequel, this was heartrending)

Listening: Yasmin by Malaika Mfalme (another transmasc artist, really lovely stuff, charmed by the references to old songs in “Younger”)

Playing: “Chill Out,” a journaling game about a road trip, I only got through the first two hours of the eight hours comprising a game, so I’ll keep playing it for the next little while

Aftermarket Parts: finished listening to the last module of the voice class, still need to go through the actual activities

Other: beach trip

[CW for frank discussions of body changes, talk of dysphoria, and discussions of libido. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]

The flurries of activity around surgery have made everything else seem rather slow and subdued in comparison.

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