scrubjayspeaks

[CW: food and diet talk, emetophobia]

I'm increasingly disappointed by food. I took myself out to dinner tonight, as a rare treat and reward for putting up with an extended bout of nonsense. And my takeaway from the experience was: it's overpriced, not even remotely as tasty as I remembered/imagined it would be, and my body hates it.

I love food--good, tasty food, in what I have always thought (been made to think?) are large quantities. I like cooking, I mean really cooking, but I don't always have the spoons for it. That's part of why going out was going to be such a pleasure--all the food I want, and I don't have to do any of the work!

And maybe it's because I had to go without water for much of the day and then chugged too much at home, but I ended up vomiting. My stomach decided, hi, hello, why the fuck are there things inside me??? Which just capped off my sense of "food is a waste of time, money, and effort, can we stop soon?"

I've been doing intermittent fasting for several months now in my ongoing quest to find anything I can control that helps with my chronic pain and body issues. And I really like it--helpful in the spoon department, makes better quality food affordable on my budget, and has been causing the weight loss I (with complicated emotional baggage in tow) decided I wanted to pursue.* It's the first time in...ever? that I found a way of eating that made me feel better instead of worse.

It's just increased my sense, though, that food is something I want to enjoy only as an occasional indulgence, in small but glorious quantities and qualities. Sometimes? Sometimes I goddamn hate that I have to eat it on any regular basis (intermittent fasting does, in fact, need to be intermittent); can't I just...not bother? My body seldom seems pleased with the experience, and I'm not seeing a lot of upsides right now.

I guess I'm still in the "gathering data" phase of this. I'll analyze this like a reasonable adult and see what more I've learned about how to eat well. Just as soon as I'm done grumbling and rubbing my tummy.

*NB: please refrain from critiquing my choice to explore this particular method--dieting and food issues are hard enough for me to handle without having others audit my eating decisions. Thank you.